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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

There will be no white rabbit under my pancake.

Tell them a hookah smoking Katy Tyler has given you the call...
(and call Alice, when she was just small)

Do you ever get those urges just to DO something?

I really want to go snowboarding right now. (On a plank of wood, while smoking crack, and being chased by a bunch of blood thirsty pirates...),  I feel snowboarding deprived, all those years I could've gone, but didn't. It was really cool.

---
If you laugh at any of the following jokes, you may in fact be... something...

What's worse than stubbing your toe?
The holocaust.

How many pancakes does it take to build a house?
None, alligators don't fly.

What did Gollum (from Lord of the Rings) get for Christmas?
A Playstation 2.

 - K (Fear and Loathing in Georgia Tech)

(Man, I miss my videos... I need a new host for them. There are a generation of people waiting to see them.)

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot, qui l'admire.

For me at least, morality has a higher precedence than religion or faith.

If you are moral at heart, and nothing else, you stand a much higher chance of pleasing people than devoting yourself to any one faith. A Catholic may not understand a Buddhist may not understand a Hindu, may no understand a Scientologist, but they will all understand morality of one (and they are henceforth lost if they can not).

Not only that, but every supreme being possible must understand this. If God does not understand one's neutrality in faith, but steadfastness in morality, he is not much of a god. If the final judgment comes from a being where I am forced to relinquish my views and take on that of another’s, then by no means do I want to be judged by such a being.

What is the use of believing in something, if all it does is upset you? If you get small amounts of enjoyment, but large amounts of chastity, neither faith nor logic has much of a reason to continue doing so. If you are more devoted to your god than you are your people, than you have failed.

I still cannot understand whether believers of faith are chasing after a group cause, or an individual cause. From personal observations, everyone seems to be chasing their own enlightenment, which seems to be a bit selfish. On the other hand, if one is after a bettering of the population, religion seems to hardly be of use to that person, as it only causes divisions and quarrels.

Perhaps faith has never existed simply because it has always existed.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

What is this? Two days in a row? How long has it been since I updated regularly?

I'm tired of putting everything on a pedestal. I want to talk about things from a personal stance. I want to talk to God like I talk to a friend in the hall. I want life to stop being such a distant thought, and personify itself a little more.

You know, life, I'm waiting. You kept telling me college will be the best years of my life. Well, I'm still waiting. At this rate, nothing will top last year.

At this rate, I'm going to stop getting older and start becoming younger.

It's like taking down The Wall with a chisel, one chip at a time.

I'm not the Kellen of 6 months ago anymore. I haven't changed or gotten older though, I've regressed.

I wish all those friends of 10th and 11th grade could see me now. They'd know me. They'd recognize me, because that is what I have become, Kellen of years past. What's with this full circle stuff? I'm feeling stuck, life, and no matter how much I try to put care and quality into a subjective view (because we all know objectivity is not only impossible, it's detrimental), I can't figure out how to get unstuck.

My Affinity for Alluren is always the subject of my Mind's Desire, but it always ends up giving up to Madness.

What did I do back then to keep my self entertained? I've grown too used to the comforts I have set up in the last year, when I realise they are finally starting to fade and fail, I find myself lost.

Did I really muse over everything for hours on end to keep the days going?

Days filled with Magic, video games, anime, hopeless dreams, and forbidden thoughts. The people I talked to responded the way I wanted them to, and life just flew by. Hey, life, stop for a second.

No, wait, keep going... you have to take me somewhere.

I've jumped back into books I left hanging two years ago... I'm finishing anime I never finished... I'm retracing my steps instead of going forward, and going down every path I started to walk down but ended up turning back around. Old items with a new view?

I recognise new people as old people in new skin...

I can't take some songs anymore...

Life, you've become one big nostalgia trip lately, and I DO NOT like it. Go bugger off.

I miss people. I need new people...

Is it wrong to think those thoughts? Maybe mediocrity is much worse than Hell could ever be.

I don't need no drugs to call me.

Maybe I think it feels worse because instead of wanting certain things to come, and not having the patience to wait, I have too many situations going on and not enough initiative to... end... them. And we all know how high that initiative of mine is.

It's one of those things. Taking an object view on my life, everything is going great. I'm pursuing the American dream. I'm getting a great education, I have a wonderful girlfriend, and loving parents.

It's like I know everything is good, and that a million other people would kill to be in my place, but, well while I'm talking about reverting to my former self, let me go ahead and quote it...

"The things you own, end up owning you."

Except that they aren't necessarily things I own... the safeties in my life are wonderful, but it scares me to death about how they both control my life, and how I don't know what I'd do without them. I just can't win in this affair, can I?

Maybe I never changed. Maybe I've just been on vacation for a year. Maybe I'll pick up a video camera again. That was always entertaining.

All those things I looked forward to experiencing, two years ago, I have experienced. All my curiosities have been satisfied. It's a terribly sad thought.

Oh, and life, you can go back to being yourself now, I'm done talking to you.

- K as he always is, and always will be

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

If I were a swan, I'd be gone.
If I were a train, I'd be late.
And if I were a good man,
I'd talk with you
More often than I do.

If I were to sleep, I could dream.
If I were afraid, I could hide.
If I go insane, please don't put
Your wires in my brain.

If I were the moon, I'd be cool.
If I were a book, I would bend.
If I were a good man, I'd understand
The spaces between friends.

If I were alone, I would cry.
And if I were with you, I'd be home and dry.
And if I go insane,
Will you still let me join in the game?

If I were a swan, I'd be gone.
If I were a train, I'd be late again.
If I were a good man,
I'd talk with you
More often than I do.

---

Pink Floyd never ceases to amaze. No matter what album I listen to, I end up really liking it. Really, try giving Atom Heart Mother and The Final Cut a try...

Thursday, February 17th, 2005

I lost everything on my PC a little while ago, and getting this site back up on my side, has been a pin in the butt, but it's working now, so yeah...

I would just like to share with everyone my homework for tonight. I wrote ALL of this in the past 4-5 hours: (And if a teacher / student stumbles upon this, don't worry I posted it after the 12am deadmark to turn it in, it's actually the 18th now)

-------------------------------------------------
FILE 1
-------------------------------------------------

import java.awt.*;
import java.awt.event.*;
import javax.swing.*;

/**
*This class is the actual JPanel, and does most of the calculations.
*
*I worked on this alone using only class materials.
*
*@author Kellen Bloomer gtg478y
*@version 1.5 New with ring! (not really)
*/
public class SpaceCanvas extends JPanel{

private JButton push; //The push button
private JButton push2; //ring button
private JTextField redField, greenField, blueField, xField, yField; //The text fields where the user inputs the data
private JLabel redLabel, greenLabel, blueLabel, xLabel, yLabel; //the labels to identify the text fields with

Planet planet = new Planet(25, 200, 255, 255, 255); //creates a new planet using these parameters

/* The constructor for the JPanel. Mostly this is used to initialize the GUI items*/
public SpaceCanvas(){

setPreferredSize (new Dimension (600, 600));
setBackground (Color.black);

/* This part concerns the GUI utilities*/

push = new JButton ("Change");
// push2 = new JButton ("Add Ring");
push.addActionListener (new ButtonListener());
// push2.addActionListener (new ButtonListener());
add (push);
// add (push2);

redField = new JTextField (4);
greenField = new JTextField (4);
blueField = new JTextField (4);
xField = new JTextField (5);
yField = new JTextField (5);

redLabel = new JLabel ("Red Value:");
greenLabel = new JLabel ("Green Value:");
blueLabel = new JLabel ("Blue Value:");
xLabel = new JLabel ("X Position:");
yLabel = new JLabel ("Y Position:");


redLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
greenLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
blueLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
xLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
yLabel.setForeground(Color.white);

redField.setText("255");
greenField.setText("255");
blueField.setText("255");
xField.setText("25");
yField.setText("200");


add (redLabel);
add (redField);
add (greenLabel);
add (greenField);
add (blueLabel);
add (blueField);
add (xLabel);
add (xField);
add (yLabel);
add (yField);
/** end GUI materials */

}//end public SpaceCanvas()



/** the paintComponent where all the objects are drawn */
public void paintComponent(Graphics page){

super.paintComponent(page);

/* This part concerns the stars*/
Stars star = new Stars();
page.setColor (Color.white);
for(int c = star.getNumber(); c > 0; c--){
page.fillOval(star.getPosX(), star.getPosY(), star.width(), star.height());
}//end for loop
page.drawString("Currently displaying " + star.getNumber() + " stars.", 0, 595);
/* end stars*/


/* This part concerns the planet*/
page.setColor(new Color(planet.getColorR(), planet.getColorG(), planet.getColorB()));
page.fillOval (planet.getPosX(), planet.getPosY(), planet.height(), planet.width());
/* end planet*/

}//end public void paintComponent



/** This is the Listener and the event for the push button */
private class ButtonListener implements ActionListener{

public void actionPerformed (ActionEvent event){

/** retireves the user inputted numbers */
String sRed = redField.getText();
String sGreen = greenField.getText();
String sBlue = blueField.getText();
String sX = xField.getText();
String sY = yField.getText();

/** Changes the strings gathered from the text fields into integers */
planet.setColorR(Integer.parseInt(sRed));
planet.setColorG(Integer.parseInt(sGreen));
planet.setColorB(Integer.parseInt(sBlue));
planet.setPosX(Integer.parseInt(sX));
planet.setPosY(Integer.parseInt(sY));

/** This is error control if the user enters an invalid number */
if (planet.getColorR() > 255 || planet.getColorG() > 255 || planet.getColorB() > 255
|| planet.getPosX() > 600 || planet.getPosY() > 600){

String error = "You have entered an invalid number. Color values must be between 0 "
+ "and 255 and position values must be between 0 and 600. Please re-enter.";
JOptionPane.showMessageDialog (null, error);
} // end if statement


repaint(); //refresh the screen

} //end actionperformed
} //end ButtonListener


}//end public class SpaceCanvas


----------------------------------------------------------------
File 2
----------------------------------------------------------------

import java.util.Random;

public class Family {

int count, families, randomNum, totalCount = 0, max = 0;
double avg = 0.00;
Random generator = new Random();


public Family(int numberOfFamilies) {

families = numberOfFamilies;

}

public String simulate (){

String firstGender = "G";
String currentGender = "G";
String listOfGenders = "";
count = 1;

/** This loop generates a random gender, then checks it against the first gender generated
* If it is the same, it goes again, if not it stops. Every time it also adds to a string to be printed out,
* and counts the amount of times it took for use in both the max and the average.
*/
while (firstGender.equals(currentGender)){

randomNum = generator.nextInt(2);

if (randomNum == 0){
currentGender = "G";
}

else{
currentGender = "B";
}

if (count == 1){
firstGender = currentGender;
}

if (count > max){ //checks if the current amount if greater than the max
max = count; //and sets it accordingly
}

listOfGenders = listOfGenders + currentGender;
count += 1;
}

avg = avg + count - 1; //used to add total amount of children
return listOfGenders; //used to print out the amount of girls and boys
}

public void calcAverage(){
avg = avg / families;
}

public double getAvg(){
return avg;
}

public int getMax(){
return max;
}
}

----------------------------------------------
File 3
----------------------------------------------

import javax.swing.JFrame;

/**
*This is the main class for the universe creator 1.0
*The applet will display a random number of stars between 20 and 50.
*It will also display a planet, in which the user can manipulate its color,
*and position using text fields.
*
*I worked on this alone using only class materials.
*
*@author Kellen Bloomer gtg478y
*@version 1.0
*/

public class Space{
public static void main (String[] args)
{
JFrame frame = new JFrame ("Space: The Final Frontier");
frame.setDefaultCloseOperation (JFrame.EXIT_ON_CLOSE);

SpaceCanvas canvas = new SpaceCanvas();

frame.getContentPane().add (canvas);


frame.pack();
frame.setVisible (true);
}
}

----------------------------------------------------
File 4
----------------------------------------------------

import java.awt.*;
import java.awt.event.*;
import javax.swing.*;

/**
*This class is the actual JPanel, and does most of the calculations.
*
*I worked on this alone using only class materials.
*
*@author Kellen Bloomer gtg478y
*@version 1.5 New with ring! (not really)
*/
public class SpaceCanvas extends JPanel{

private JButton push; //The push button
private JButton push2; //ring button
private JTextField redField, greenField, blueField, xField, yField; //The text fields where the user inputs the data
private JLabel redLabel, greenLabel, blueLabel, xLabel, yLabel; //the labels to identify the text fields with

Planet planet = new Planet(25, 200, 255, 255, 255); //creates a new planet using these parameters

/* The constructor for the JPanel. Mostly this is used to initialize the GUI items*/
public SpaceCanvas(){

setPreferredSize (new Dimension (600, 600));
setBackground (Color.black);

/* This part concerns the GUI utilities*/

push = new JButton ("Change");
// push2 = new JButton ("Add Ring");
push.addActionListener (new ButtonListener());
// push2.addActionListener (new ButtonListener());
add (push);
// add (push2);

redField = new JTextField (4);
greenField = new JTextField (4);
blueField = new JTextField (4);
xField = new JTextField (5);
yField = new JTextField (5);

redLabel = new JLabel ("Red Value:");
greenLabel = new JLabel ("Green Value:");
blueLabel = new JLabel ("Blue Value:");
xLabel = new JLabel ("X Position:");
yLabel = new JLabel ("Y Position:");


redLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
greenLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
blueLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
xLabel.setForeground(Color.white);
yLabel.setForeground(Color.white);

redField.setText("255");
greenField.setText("255");
blueField.setText("255");
xField.setText("25");
yField.setText("200");


add (redLabel);
add (redField);
add (greenLabel);
add (greenField);
add (blueLabel);
add (blueField);
add (xLabel);
add (xField);
add (yLabel);
add (yField);
/** end GUI materials */

}//end public SpaceCanvas()



/** the paintComponent where all the objects are drawn */
public void paintComponent(Graphics page){

super.paintComponent(page);

/* This part concerns the stars*/
Stars star = new Stars();
page.setColor (Color.white);
for(int c = star.getNumber(); c > 0; c--){
page.fillOval(star.getPosX(), star.getPosY(), star.width(), star.height());
}//end for loop
page.drawString("Currently displaying " + star.getNumber() + " stars.", 0, 595);
/* end stars*/


/* This part concerns the planet*/
page.setColor(new Color(planet.getColorR(), planet.getColorG(), planet.getColorB()));
page.fillOval (planet.getPosX(), planet.getPosY(), planet.height(), planet.width());
/* end planet*/

}//end public void paintComponent



/** This is the Listener and the event for the push button */
private class ButtonListener implements ActionListener{

public void actionPerformed (ActionEvent event){

/** retireves the user inputted numbers */
String sRed = redField.getText();
String sGreen = greenField.getText();
String sBlue = blueField.getText();
String sX = xField.getText();
String sY = yField.getText();

/** Changes the strings gathered from the text fields into integers */
planet.setColorR(Integer.parseInt(sRed));
planet.setColorG(Integer.parseInt(sGreen));
planet.setColorB(Integer.parseInt(sBlue));
planet.setPosX(Integer.parseInt(sX));
planet.setPosY(Integer.parseInt(sY));

/** This is error control if the user enters an invalid number */
if (planet.getColorR() > 255 || planet.getColorG() > 255 || planet.getColorB() > 255
|| planet.getPosX() > 600 || planet.getPosY() > 600){

String error = "You have entered an invalid number. Color values must be between 0 "
+ "and 255 and position values must be between 0 and 600. Please re-enter.";
JOptionPane.showMessageDialog (null, error);
} // end if statement


repaint(); //refresh the screen

} //end actionperformed
} //end ButtonListener


}//end public class SpaceCanvas

--------------------------------------------------------
File 5
--------------------------------------------------------

/**
*This class holds all the information for the planet object on screen.
*All of the methods are self explanatory, eitheir setting a value, or retrieving it
*
*I worked on this alone using only class materials.
*
*@author Kellen Bloomer gtg478y
*@version 1.0
*/

public class Planet{

private int width = 40, height = 40, posX = 0, posY = 0, colorR = 0, colorG = 0, colorB = 0;

public Planet(int posX1, int posY1, int colorR1, int colorG1, int colorB1){

posX = posX1;
posY = posY1;
colorR = colorR1;
colorG = colorG1;
colorB = colorB1;
} //end public Planet()

public void setColorR(int colorR1){
colorR = colorR1;
}//end public int getColorR

public void setColorG(int colorG1){
colorG = colorG1;
}//end public int getColorG()

public void setColorB(int colorB1){
colorB = colorB1;
} //end public int getColorB()

public void setPosX(int posX1){
posX = posX1;
}

public void setPosY(int posY1){
posY = posY1;
}

public int getPosX(){
return posX;
}

public int getPosY(){
return posY;
}

public int getColorR(){
return colorR;
}//end public int getColorR

public int getColorG(){
return colorG;
}//end public int getColorG()

public int getColorB(){
return colorB;
} //end public int getColorB()

public int width(){
return width;
}

public int height(){
return height;
}

} //end public class Planet

---------------------------------------------------------
File 6
---------------------------------------------------------

import java.util.Random;

/**
*This class holds all the information for the stars.
*All of the methods are self-explanatory, either setting a value, or retrieving it.
*
*I worked on this alone using only class materials.
*
*@author Kellen Bloomer gtg478y
*@version 1.0
*/

/** This class initializes the variables, and generates the amount of stars to be drawn */
public class Stars{

private int posX, posY, numberOfStars, width = 8, height = 8;
Random generator = new Random();

public Stars(){

numberOfStars = generator.nextInt(31) + 20;


} //end public Stars()

public int getPosX(){

posX = generator.nextInt(593);
return posX;
}// end public int getPosX()

public int getPosY(){

posY = generator.nextInt(593);
return posY;
}// end public int getPosY()

public int getNumber(){

return numberOfStars;
}// end public int getNumber()

public int height(){

return height;
}// end public int height()

public int width(){

return width;
}// end public int width()



} //end public class Stars

Sunday, January 17th, 2005

Well, 2004 is over. Very, very sad. I can honestly say 2004 was, by FAR, the best year I have ever known. It has made me excited about the 00's. Really. I don't feel like we're such a lost generation anymore. I strongly believe the 00's have and will continue to have just as much character as the 60s or 70s.

Which reminds me of a thought I've had recently. Emo is the new hippie.

Now, I guess that's taking it a little too far right away. I call it emo for lack of a better word, really. It's just like we have this new image bleeding into the mainstream faster and faster, something that carries a little more emotion and vision than the stereotypes we have now. It's not so much a stereotype like the goths, the punks, the stoners, the thugs, and so on, but more like what the hippie was in the 60s: a movement, a conglomeration of people of the age from all aspects of life.

I'm talking about the people who love movies like Donnie Darko and Garden State. The people who listen to Modest Mouse, and Coldplay. I'm not talking about emo as in the music genre, really, it's just the closest thought I can come up with. Iraq and the election was to the emo what Vietnam and their politics were to the hippie. It's our generation finally making a statement that's not simply a rehash of what our parents say, that's not simply what the rebellious youth have been saying for years.

It seems like the youth of the entire mid-late 90s, and early 00s was struggling with an identity crisis. I mean, I might as well bring up the whole Fight Club thing, "We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives." But, somehow, since then, we have found our great war, and maybe our great depression IS our lives, but we have found a happiness in being sad. It doesn't have to be depressing, it can simply be melancholy, mellow. It's not sadness, it's relaxing.

It seems that people are storing to explore again too. Back when America was born, the world was still being discovered, and once every piece of land was mapped, people figured if everyone has already gone there, why bother? I think it's nice that people are realising they need to start exploring things for themselves. This neo-hippie emo encompasses a lot of people though. The girl who lives in Jersey all her life, and decides to move to the Carolinas one day. The guy who doesn't know what he wants, and is stuck in the only place he knows he doesn't want to be. The girl who lives her entire life in small town Georgia, and dreams everyday of moving to California.

America is changing. Many of the myths of the past are being shot down, with the advent of greater access to information. Ideas we've buried to the back of our mind have been brought to the forefront of debate. People are tried of a country who has been wishy washy on laws that really would have only mattered in the modern era. The constitution is starting to become dated, and people simply want laws and legalities formalized. We are tire of debates to abortion, to gay marriage, we want someone to make a decision and stick to it. Copyright laws, in reference to online sharing programs, seem to be so ambiguous, most people don't know if what they are doing is illegal or not. Marijuana laws are finally being looked at again, this time either trying to show the people a valid reason for denying it, and keeping it that way, or changing the law otherwise. It's an era where decisiveness is needed, even if the answer is disagreeable to some, most would simply be happy with an answer.

Maybe that is a bit grandiose, but I'd be lying if I said that I couldn't taste it in the air. Our age of people really is the first to have had access to all the information they want, and we're smarter because of that. We're finally becoming of age where we can voice our opinions too, where we can be heard more than simply seen finally.

We see holes in our freedom that need to be filled, and our way of arguing isn't one of anger, or haste, but of resolute patience, which no one can argue against without having a valid argument in the first place. We listen too, though. We don't just accept the different, we're starting to encourage it.

I mean, think about it, it's hard to argue against someone who waits for you to spill out your entire argument, and only then begins to speak. Especially when they take in your side of the argument, and perhaps even modify theirs a bit to accommodate you.

If we continue down this path, we have a much brighter future ahead of us.

- Don't Panic, Kellen lives in a beautiful world.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Finals are over!
---
If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see

If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartache come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'll know that I'm just trying to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just to get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

It's December 7th!!! You know what that means?
Do ya?

Absolutely, NADA.

Seriously though. That's what's up.

Good luck to all those college students right now stressing about finals, and perhaps other things in their lives. Give me a call... I'm there for you.

Saturday, December 4th, 2004

Christopher Robin and I walked along
Under branches lit up by the moon
Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore
As our days disappeared all too soon
But I've wandered much further today than I should
And I can't seem to find my way back to the Wood

So help me if you can
I've got to get back
To the House at Pooh Corner by one
You'd be surprised
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky (Chase all the clouds away)
Back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh

Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do
Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
He came to me asking help and advice
And from here no one knows where he goes
So I sent him to ask of the Owl if he's there
How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear

Help me if you can
I've got to get back
To the House at Pooh Corner by one
You'd be surprised
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky (Chase all the clouds away)
Back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh

It's hard to explain how a few precious things
Seem to follow throughout all our lives
After all's said and done I was watching my son
Sleeping there with my bear by his side
So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
I swear that the old bear whispered "Boy welcome home"

Believe me if you can
I've finally come back
To the House at Pooh Corner by one
What do you know
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky (Chase all the clouds away)
Back to the days of Christopher Robin
Back to the ways of Christopher Robin
Back to the days of Pooh

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

This weekend...

I can't even BEGIN to tell how much this weekend has thrown me across the room, and picked me up. Things like this make me wonder to myself how I end up the way I do. How I end up in situations. Not BAD situations, mind you, just situations that cause me to reflect on myself for hours on end.

My only friend, the end.

Along time ago, there was an ancient Greek girl who was in love with a young man. But this young man was from a different country and had to go back. So the last night the girl and her lover would be together, the girl brought a lamp and set it so it threw the lover's shadow on the wall. The girl traced the outline of her lover's shadow so she would always have a record of how he looked, a document of this exact moment, the last moment they would be together. The next day, the girl's lover was gone, but his shadow was still there. And thus picture painting was invented.

What did I do this weekend? Let's see if I can even piece it together.

Friday...
A comedian  at the student center...
Talking in the room...
Lots of walking...
A random party, whom I knew no one except the people I went with...

Saturday...
Cheesecake...
Elevators...
Spinning rooms...
Art...

I feel like talking. About trying to explain something, but I don't know where to start. I don't want to talk, because I'll say too much.

Just let it sit.

You've done this before, it just goes away.

It just felt do different this time...

"Is it any wonder that we should finally become suspicious, lose patience, and turn away impatiently? that we should finally learn from this Sphinx to ask questions, too? Who is it really that puts questions to us here? What in us really wants 'truth'?" - Nietzsche (Beyond Good and Evil)

Random Kellen quips from days of old, from archives of this site:

What people would consider crazy, I would consider viable.

I still haven't figured IT out yet. What is IT? haven't figured that one out yet either.

Perhaps our lives are one great wash cycle. Perhaps they don't end.

Heh, no one has any idea what I'm talking about. I only hope a year from now I can read this, and remember.

-K

Tuesday, November 17th, 2004

Father
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy,
To be calm when you’ve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you’ve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It’s always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
It’s not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.

Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them you know not me.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

    - Cat Stevens

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

I think readership has hit an all time low.

It's not important, I know, I've stopped being the internet juggernaut I once was. Without the videos driving the visitors to come in the first place, who's to care?

Who's to read?

I mean even people who were once daily readers of this have stopped. Is it because of me? I don't think so, although the irregular updates aren't exactly helpful.

Halo, I love you, won't you play me a game?

Jim Morrison is pretty cool.

Was, I mean, he's dead now. Tragically.

Maybe I should write poetry. Songs. Find the cure to cancer and never tell anyone.

Poetry though, that's interesting, but who's to say what's deep, and what's not. I mean I could write something.

The rain drops in patterns I never see.
The grass absorbs it's life from the sky.
The queen is a slave to the drone bee.
But why am I human? Where is my life?

Add a tune, make millions. Don't spend too much time on it, though. I didn't.

Thanks for the care packages I love them.

I regret not getting something I should have. Sorry, I didn't have the money. Sorry, I couldn't find anything. I looked, I really did. I'm sorry, I hope you don't think worse of me  I'll make it up to you. I'll try.

Pictures are beautiful.

Ask me anything. Get those monkeys off your backs. I want to answer your questions. I don't want anything hidden. You know you have something to ask me. Ask me something deep, something meaningful. Ask me about the time I did something that bothered me. I'll explain.

Two guys tried to push on me today. Leave me alone. I don't want candy.

Money sucks. I've become pretty good at rationing it out. It just isn't enough though. I want to take people out for fast food sometimes. i can't. I'm broke. I have to avoid getting myself a single Coke, just so I can get Halo 2. I just want to make everyone happy.

School is tough man. It's not the homework, or tests, although they are not easy. It's the feeling of not knowing what to do. I have spent so many hours jus staring at my dorm ceiling, wondering what's to come next, wondering why I am here, wondering what I WANT.

What do I want?

It's not a question of what I want, but when I have something I want, I have to seriously ask myself, "Is there anything else out there I want more?"

Is there?

I'll tell you right now. Calculus sucks. I get it, I really do. I just can't get myself to do it. I sit there and stare at a paper for hours, daydreaming. Calculus has this odd force over my body, of not allowing me to concentrate. I can do the psychology, the English, and the computer science, that's easy. It's as though I come out of every Calculus class feeling physically sick though. I just hope it doesn't hit me as hard as it threatens to. I can't afford it to. I owe it to too many people.

I need to meet new people. This adjusting thing just isn't my forte. How did you do it? How DO you do it?

Racing stripes.

This week has been rough. I apologize for lacking on my phone. I haven't called a lot of people back. Sometimes I just sit there, staring at the ringing phone, not wanting to answer it. Terrible.

It's almost hard to explain why it's been rough though. It's like all those thoughts I put in the back of my mind have come up this week.

Why can't I stick with anything? Why can't I get comfortable with anything?

Somebody tell me everything is alright, and mean it.

It's cool though. There are some things in life right now that are better than I could have ever wished them to be.

Specifically though, I don't know how much longer I can keep being given this wonderful happiness in a box for a short time, only to have to wait for it again afterwards... I almost feel that would make it all better. Silly me though, I never needed it before. I need to concentrate on myself.

I can't tell you my problems though, I can't do it without being ambiguous.  Ask me specifics. Ask me anything.

With liberty and justice frog.

-KayEeEllEllEeEn

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Do you ever find yourself in a an endless loop?

You know, like when you get popcorn and a drink at a theatre. You get thirsty so you drinks some drink, which in turns makes you want some nice, hot, salty, popcorn, which in turn makes you want some drink.

Yeah, like that. You must know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ugh, it's terrible, I can honestly say I've been up against more powerful personal issues right now than I have ever been. I often would talk about them here, but my thoughts are so jumbled, and the content so personal I'd feel uncomfortable getting it out on this site.

I'm starting to finally see, clearly, what the future may be. What being a true adult, not simply a legal one, can be like. It all kind of scares me. I don't want to know what coming next, be it good or bad. I want change in some areas, and not in others. I don't know what to do when sometimes I want both change and what I have in the same area. I can't tell if settling my curiosity is worth betting my stability on. You tell me.

Politics are finally starting to get into my head. It's not fair. I'm Kellen. I'm the guy who stays neutral, but has the ability to completely explain every possible stance I would take. I, in general, would make sure it's the most agreeable stance. I come to think now, though, and I'm wondering if I haven't given in to that too much, and started to base my beliefs on people I want to keep happy.

I mean, is having my own opinion on something worth an argument? Historically, for me, no, it is not.

I don't know. Philosophy is getting to me. Experimentation is getting to me. Maybe love is getting to me.

College isn't hard, as in the college work itself. The hard part is settling your mind enough to do the work. If I can't figure out something in my own life, I can't even begin to put time into schoolwork sometimes.

I feel kinda lost. Maybe I've felt lost all my life, but I've definitely been lost for at least a month now.

Don't think too much of it. It's the kind of thoughts that build up in your head, and just get worse when you don't talk to anyone about them.

Or you do, and you don't get the answer you want.

- Still K.

Halo 2 comes out tomorrow. I'll pick it up this weekend, I'm sure.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

I don't have no walls around me.
I don't need no drugs to call me.

I feel bad for every inanimate object that can't live.

I feel bad for every Yoko that loses a John.

I feel bad for those who only have memories of being happy.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

I have been working in secret on my story. I have come to the point where I am absolutely absorbing every life experience I can draw, in order to give it the breadth I believe it needs. It is evolving. I am changing parts already written, and continuing at a mad pace. Where will it end? Who will I upset, and surprise? I don't know, and I'm scared to even put these little tidbits here. I am deathly scared, seeing as I basically can't think of anyone I want to see it, but at the same time want everyone too.

The selections are small for two reasons. A) I don't want to give too much away, I need to create some hunger before I can feed. B) I don't think some people will appreciate some things I have written, to be honest. Maybe it's a little too much, so I leave you with enough to get the gist but not enough to let you draw a conclusion just yet. And don't. (draw a conclusion that is. Many things aren't as they seem.)

So here, read on, little parts, future parts, to my little untitled story.

---

Captain Murphy’s Law. Who knew, the religious type. Well, more like the religions’ type.

”You see, I like to surround myself with religion. With faith.”

I see.

”Why only think of them as ideas, ones that are unattainable? Surround yourself with them, as you would any commercial idea. Only, religious.”

It’s rather hard to explain your thoughts when you see a Virgin Mary nightlight. A statue of Shiva of Nataraja holding up the TV.

Buddha, as an ashtray. That may just be blasphemous.

A crucifix above the bed, paintings of Ganesha. Krishna, Shakti, Zeus, Neptune, Jesus, Allah, and Gaia, all parts of the same whole. The same room. You’d almost expect the numerous statues, figures, and representations to break out in argument, if it wasn’t against most of their natures.

We sit down at a low lying table. We eat sliced apples off of smiling Moses’s, and triumphant Davids.

---

“So, where exactly are we headed?”

“You still don’t know? We’re headed to the island.”

“I guess that begs another question, why are we headed to ‘the island’?”

“To make a wish.”

”What kind of wish?”

“Anything. You choose. Everyone gets one wish. You should think about it, when the time comes it’s not something you want to be hasty about.”

---

There is something to be said about sex. I mean, there are many things to be said on the subject of sex, but at heart there really is something there for us, that I don’t believe to be there for animals. For lions, and rabbits. Emotions you’ve never felt before, and only read about in books, or heard about in movies become as tangible as the bed your on. Your thoughts go all over the place, refocusing on the one person that truly matters to you at that point...

---

What most people know about drugs, I could fit on a single sheet of paper.

They know marijuana makes you do stupid things, and mushrooms are dangerous fungus that cause you to have severe psychological problems.

Don’t even try to mention Delta-9-THC or psilocybin to them, aside from the fact they have no idea what the words are, showing someone you know anything beyond ordinary about drugs, and you just pegged yourself as the scum that sleeps on the street, and kills people. Good luck trying to educate them, especially with all the propaganda they've grown up to believe. Even more luck to the ones that try to show them, as more than likely they'll only solidify the other's hypothesis...
 

Thursday, October 7th, 2004

Wait. No.

I do want to live a rock and roll life. I do. I mean, I am. I am living it. What's better than that?

Living on the edge, keep doing it. Don't stop.

Five to one. One in five. No one here gets out alive.

I find that I do everything for the sake of having a memory to look back on later. I mean, when I go to do something, I go with the intent of being able to look back on it, at a time like this, and smiling, reliving those memories. I mean, that's the only thing that can never be taken away, your memories. Even bad memories. Without those, the good memories have no meaning. Even then, I like bad memories. Call me masochistic, but I do. I get a rush thinking about my car wreck. I get a feeling I couldn't achieve any other way thinking of bad times with people. Some times I look forward to having a bad memory, to the time where I'm recovering from it. That sick feeling in your stomache, when everything goes awry. You say the wrong thing, someone else does something you don't approve of, just another hurdle to jump over. There are some things that last longer than you would want them to, but think of it. Any test I felt bad about, any class I didn't do well in High School doesn't matter anymore, I've managed to go to the college I wanted to, and it's all alright. I can't help but feel the same now, though. When I have a job, am married, etc... what will it matter how well I did in Calculus? I mean, if I do bad in everything, of course that'd affect it, but not small things. I'd rather have that bad memory than no memory at all. I just get that feeling that everything is going to boil over soon. Something exciting, whether bad or good, has to happen, or I will have felt these last few months to have been wasteful.

Sorry about the stream of conscious, I hate trying to read some un-indented thoughts by someone else. Call it hypocrisy.

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

I don't want to live a rock and roll life...

A spiral, a never ending trend...

Follow me to the center...

So we can go to the top again...

I don't know, anymore. I'm not even sure why I don't know right now. What's triggering this?

Monday, October 4th, 2004

Busted flat in baton rouge, headin’ for the trains,
Feelin’ nearly faded as my jeans.
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,
Took us all the way to new orleans.
Took my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana
And was blowin’ sad while bobby sang the blues,
With them windshield wipers slappin’ time and
Bobby clappin’ hands we finally sang up every song
That driver knew.

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose,
And nothin’ ain’t worth nothin’ but it’s free,
Feelin’ good was easy, lord, when bobby sang the blues,
And buddy, that was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my bobby mcgee.

From the coalmines of kentucky to the california sun,
Bobby shared the secrets of my soul,
Standin’ right beside me through everythin’ I done,
And every night she kept me from the cold.
The somewhere near salinas, lord, I let her slip away,
She was lookin’ for the love I hope she’ll find,
Well I’d trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday,
Holdin’ bobby’s body close to mine.

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose,
And nothin’ left was all she left to me,
Feelin’ good was easy, lord, when bobby sang the blues,
And buddy, that was good enough for me.
Good enough for me and bobby mcgee.

---

Just one of those late-night, "What to do, what to do"'s.

Awesome weekend. Just, awesome. But tiresome.

I, uh...

nevermind.

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
Day NA

I'm famous! Scenes from yesterday's One Tree Hill. (And, argh, I've scanned nearly every frame for Katy, and I only ran across two times it MIGHT be her, but some light, or person or something blocks the face, or it's too out of focus... I'll find one)





They are big pics, oh well, maybe I'll get some more up later, but I think these are the coolest two.

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
Day 7

Addiction free day.

So I cut myself off from caffeine (for today) and nicotine (forever hopefully) today. It sucks, I really can tell the difference, from the lack of these two substances. I'm going to have to make it through the day though, plus I have promises of quitting smoking, and I just needed one more excuse. Oh well, hopefully I will feel cleaner and healthier for tomorrow morning when I have to get up before the sun rises.

---

Okay I have two thoughts that have been circling around each other for nearly the past 24 hours. Not until recently have I thought of a way to quickly name them. The first one is "Everyone is wishy washy." Profound, huh? Oh come on, trust me more, it gets better. Second, "Everything is done for entertainment and/or survival." Let's see how far I get before I get bored with the subject I'm on. My communication and cohesiveness levels are at an all time low.

Everyone is wishy washy. That's what comes to mind, so that's what I put down. Okay, to explain:

Everyone has this habit of having mood shifts. No one has the same day twice, no one believes the same thing throughout their life. At one point in time you will have developed a belief that you know you once never thought would occur to you (or that you would agree with.) This isn't a rant on rationalization, though, don't worry. Deep down inside everyone has doubts on everything. What if this egg gets me sick? What if I trip down the stairs? WHAT IF I'M WRONG!? And so on... but, the big but, we don't let everyone know these insecurities, of course. And although we know we have our own insecurities, some people are SO good at hiding them, that they seem to not have them. We wish we could be strong. We wish we could have no doubts about something.

But we can't. We're slowly learning that fact, and we're very, very pissed off. (Sorry, had to quote it)

So, what do we do in subjects where insecurities is a major downfall? We watch other people traverse the stairs, 'Oh, they never gave it a second thought.' We watch other people do things, say things, that while we may not totally agree 100%, we agree somewhat, and the point that is driven across is done so effectively by a total lack of insecurity on the subjects part.

Enter: Politics and Religion.

Oh how I loathe to discuss such subjects. You know me, I'm Kellen, I touch on interesting things, I talk about everything, but those two subjects end up being so hard to please everyone with that I avoid them like the plague. This time though, I have found a way to skirt around central ideas, but still being somewhat relevant.

We all know people who are absolutely, positively sure of what they say. There IS a God. A republican should NEVER touch office. They are absolutely sure in their opinions, beliefs, accusations whatever. Now here is the interesting part.

We take note. We may more agree with the statement "There could be a God." or "I generally prefer Republicans to Democrats.", BUT we will not take as much interest as the statements I mentioned earlier. And in religion and politics, interest is everything. The more followers, the stronger. So people have these views that sound so outrageous, we can't help but respect the fact that someone has managed to believe in something, void of all doubts.

No.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

No one is totally secure. Eric Schlosser probably still eats occasionally at a fast food place. Michael Moore's internal thoughts are not nearly as cohesive to one side than the ones we later see. The Pope has looked in the mirror for a while, wondering, at least once. Otherwise, if there was no internal challenge to overcome, he wouldn't be much of a person.

What I'm saying is this: No one knows anything for sure. Think of that next time you argue with someone, they have the same doubts you have, they may have just found a way around some of them, and the rest they realised they just needed to hide. They are still there though. I have known this since I can remember knowing anything, and I don't know why, but it is one of the backbone philosophies on maintaining a stress free, more laid back nature. A philosophy that has helped me to avoid so many arguments, and the few that happened anyway, allowed me the strength to pull through and at least show the other person how one could understand my side completely and utterly.

Now apply all that I have said with that last sentence, and figure out what I'm truly saying. There you go.

The survival and entertainment thing will have to wait for later.

Monday, September 20th, 2004
Day 6

I won't say anything about today, except that it was a success..

Also someone asked me to rate The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and Jimi Hendrix in order...

The Beatles > Pink Floyd > Led Zeppelin > Jimi Hendrix

Hendrix was good and all, but I never felt the need to own anything beyond his greatest hits.

Zeppelin has three good albums, IMO, and is generally all around listenable and pretty varied, but some songs just aren't memorable or well done it seems.

Pink Floyd is awesome I love almost everything they did, except for the REAL early or REAL late stuff. The Wall is my second favourite album of all time, while Wish You Were Here, Meddle, and Dark Side of the Moon are spectacular albums as well. They also capture Some of my favourite songs in Comfortably Numb, Goodbye Blue Skies, Wish You Were Here, Echoes, Money, Us and Them, and others...

The Beatles though. I don't even feel like beginning. My favourite band, with my favourite album of all time, Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. They are more than a band though, they are a story. Movies, and books, and side projects, nothing tops them. They had three distinct eras, each of them appealing to a different crowd, but all around always being well done. I don't care if it's Hard Day's Night, Revolver, or Magical Mystery Tour, I'll listen to every one.

- K is for Kool

Sunday, September 19th, 2004 *Supplement*

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm every-where. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad teen suicide.

- Chuck Palahniuk, "Guts"

I still love that guy. If I could write like him, (and have the initiative to finish a book), nothing else would matter to me.

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
Day 2, 3, 4, 5

I actually have been doing these day by day, I just haven't made it here to type them up. (and considering I'm typing them up at three other places now, it gets a bit annoying). Also, for anyone else who has the book, I may skip days or so, if I feel I can't do them, so my Day 2 is actually Day 3.

Thursday, September 16th, 2004
Day 2

Throw away something you like.

I had planned on doing this that morning, but for some reason I couldn't find anything to throw away that I liked. (I wanted to cheat and throw away something stupid so bad)

I finally decided on this frog beanie baby that used to hang out on my desk. A girl about four or five years ago gave it to me (as a present? as a sign of love? I don't really remember), but I've managed to hang onto it for quite some time, and it's always been on my desk, next to my lamp, or monitor or something.

I kind of miss it.

Friday, September 17th, 2004
Day 3

Today there was a map, and it told you to colour every country you've been to a certain colour, every country you plan on going to in the next year, every country you plan on going to eventually, and every county you never plan on visiting.

For a highlight, every country I've been to: USA, Canada, Mexico, Germany, England, Italy, France, Poland, Czech Republic, Luxembourg, Belgium, and that's all I can think of.

Saturday, September 18th, 2004
Day 4

Mass Social Experiment

This day had a sign that says OUT OF ORDER, that you are supposed to cut out and put somewhere.

I wanted to put it somewhere I could check on it easily, and a place I could see, to see if anyone has a funny reaction, so I puti it on this trash can. If it doesn't turn out interesting I'll take it off and put it on a vending machine, actually I may do that soon anyway. So far, nothing interesting ot report on it.

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
Day 5

Write the opening sentence of your debut novel

"In the distance, all you see is grass."

Heh, you may recognize that.

---

Now I'm all caught up through today. It's been a boring weekend once again, I don't know, you think Friday and Saturday nights should be happening, but, I just can't do it. Oh well, at least other people are having fun I suppose.

Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
Day 1

Okay, so this is going to be the easiest day.

Since it's the first day, they ease you into it. You have this list of various things you can do, and you only have to pick one. I decided that was a bit boring, so I did as many as I could, which still wasn't very exciting.

Jaywalk in a pedestrian area:
Yeah, well, I do that everyday. (I don't have time to go to every crosswalk and wait for every light here in Atlanta.)

Set all your clocks to the exact time.
I synced my watch, clock, and computer time to the directorate of time.
 
Whisper a white lie to yourself.
As I was walking back from math, I whispered "That tree is purple." Unfortunately I didn't notice that someone was behind me, and they quickly sped up and walked past me.

Fantasize about your partner.
See the jaywalk one :-P

Use the word yo instead of hello.
Only got a chance to do it once, and it didn't cause any particular reaction.

Tell someone your middle name
I sent a text message to someone I barely know on campus, I'll update if I get an interesting reply.

Hold your phone up to your other ear
Kinda awkward actually.

Bookmark a new site.
I bookmarked www.thiswebsitewillchangeyourlife.com

Decide which of your toes is the prettiest.
I think the second from the left on my left foot is.

Insult an insect
I called a roach (or some kind of bug like that) a stupid piece of crap, and that it should be ashamed of itself.

Okay, so it was an uneventful day, and looking at upcoming events I have decided to skip Day 2's stuff, and go to Day 3. (I can't do Day 2 as seriously as I would want to when I have a girlfriend.)

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
Day 0

I bought Fable!

Okay, so more importantly, I bought a book. Not just any book though. This Book Will Change Your Life. No, that's the name of the book.

So here is the story: I was waiting at the mall with like 20 other people for Fable to come in (the truck delivering it broke down or something... argh) So I got bored and walked around the mall. The entire mall, and that is a huge freakin' mall (Atlanta's biggest) I eventually went into Urban Outfitters and looked through the books. The Spliff Book. Whatever. 365 Sex Positions. Whatever. This Book Will Change Your Life. Whatever...

Wait... let me read a bit more of this. *Reads book for half an hour before finally buying it*

Okay so here is the deal, this book has 365 activities you have to do, one a day. Some are kinda ridiculous, some are quite feasible. So here is the deal, as long as my interest holds, (and trust me, I wouldn't have spent $20 on some random book if I didn't think Id get my money out of it), this website, each day, I will write down what I had to do, and if I accomplished it. I will TRY to stay in order of the book, but some are impossible, and I don't want to miss a day, because then I'll miss more days... etc...

I start.

Tomorrow.

P.S. If I get into this I may be posting pictures, I think that'd be fun. And if you're wondering what kind of activities there are, I am going to select 2 at random and type them here so you can get somewhat of an idea.

Day 207: Sit at a Cafe all day, writing your Philosophy

Buying an espresso entitles you to is there for as long as you like. Thus it provides the perfect opportunity for people of all ages to write voluminous tomes on how they see life, which are never less than compelling. Most famous is Jean-Paul Sertre's "Being and Nothingness," which at 1564 pages was well worth the price of that espresso.

Day 307 Random Day

a) Count the number of buses you see on your way to work
b) Multiply this number by 3 and divide it by 2
c) Buy that many candy bars
d) Hand them out randomly to different people
e) Write down what they tell you - word for word - on a piece of paper
f) Fold the papers and put them each in an envelope, seal.
g) Find random addresses in a telephone directory.
h) Stamp the envelopes and send to addresses
i) Wait and see.

Monday, September 13th, 2004

So, long time no type?.

I guess so. Nothing to say. Go away. Rhyming is like play.

No, sorry, I just have a headache right now and it'd be too hard to think of something interesting and type it down. Well other than alien abductions, that's always interesting. Oh and how exactly that came up for the idea of a Furby.

Friday, September 10th, 2004

I hear more than I like to, so I boil my head in a sense of humour.

This is going to drive this fool out of his head.

What a past week and a half. It has flown by so quick I don't even know what to say. As for all the bad things that have happened, I can honestly say that was the best extended weekend I've possibly ever had.

Monday, August 30th, 2004

WTF is up with the word sketch? Next person I hear say it, I'm going to have to slap. Seriously. Slap.

The problem is now that I can't use that word without being labeled as someone who uses the 'cool' slang. To me sketchy, shady, and seedy were all interchangeable, but now it's like a poser word. Oh, whatever.

Friday, August 27th, 2004 *supplement*

Loose ends. They should be tied up. There is no reason to leave them hanging. I'm going to leave my advice, short, and true.

Friday, August 27th, 2004

Sometimes all you need is a little sleep. Sweet, sweet, sleep. Feeling much better today.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Current status:
1 hour of sleep, in the past 24 hours.
Nothing eaten, in the past 24 hours.
4 actual classes.
1 Tae Kwan Do class.
Could throw up any moment.

Ugh... I feel so sick right now. On top of that, it's hot and sweaty in this room, and I'm dead tired from running all day to catch my classes, and working out real hard at TKD. It's this spiritual, mental, and physical tiredness all coming in from different directions.

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.

Over, and out.

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Argh, this is an update for the sake of updating.

The worst part about having a problem in your life, is that, in order to fix it, often times you must first specifically identify the problem. The worst problems are the ones that eat you up, even though you have no idea what the problem is.

I mean, you kinda do, but you don't know why it's eating you up so much.

I suppose... I suppose I have some decisions to make, and I'd better make them soon, and stick by them. I mean, I can't go back on the decision, it won't be possible... freedom? happiness? I don't even know. What I need to do is sit down and talk to someone about all this, on the phone, and hear something from a third point of view. The only problem is, it can't be a parent. It can't be... well I'm can't go there here. Everyone reads this site, ahhh...

You know. Maybe it's not that important. Maybe the people involved think it is, but it's really not.

Maybe.

Anyway... I don't know.

Oh well, life moves on. I mean it's not serious. It won't affect my school work. It won't affect my meeting friends. It may just take me longer to sleep at night, thinking about it. May make me question a few things...

Yo, on a happy note, Tae Kwan Do rocks! It's going to be what I want it to be. Hard. Strenuous. A no holding back instructor, who demands to be treated with respect. I will get hurt. I will get fit. Awesome.

Sunday, August 22nd, 2004

I noticed something. Well actually I noticed two things:

First, least important, is how I start out a majority of my updates with "I noticed 'something' " or "You know what?".

Second, you ever notice how everyone's weblog's, livejournal's, xanga's, etc..., often assume this depressing note, more often that you would think such person comes across such morbid thoughts? Well, it makes sense. They are sitting in front of a computer. Even if a person had a ton of fun that day, chances are they are no longer having it, and are now alone, typing on a computer, probably listening to music. The thoughts that come to one, when one is alone, generally aren't "OMG!!1! I'mhav1ng so much fun RIGHT NOW!!!11!". No, they are more along the lines of, "I'm obviously bored, since I'm sitting here, basically writing in my public journal." or "Man, today sucks, but I don't really want to tell anyone, because they'll think I'm a loser, so I'll just write it to my site."

Note: It's the first, not the second, in my head right now. It's late at night, and all the good events are over by now, and it's too late to call anyone to talk, even if there was someone I feel like talking to right now.

Argh, I guess this is my first real Saturday night out by myself. (It's actually Sunday morning, thus the Sunday date above), and after the dorm-dorm BBQ ended at like 10:30ish, I have been absolutely bored. The BBQ was fun though, our dorm, and the girls dorm next to us sponsored it, and I met a few people, talked to a lot, and just socialized I guess... but it was all very magazine-ish conversations.

But man, a Saturday night. Alone. Even my roommate's not here (he went a movie with a friend... but guess who didn't get invited for some reason??). Oh well. It's been a fun, active, interesting past few days, and one boring... lonely... Saturday won't matter. I'll get up tomorrow, take out the trash, do my laundry, go o the CRC and sign up for some activity (Tae Kwan Do?), run to Barnes & Noble to restock on various bathroom supplies, grab something at Starbucks, do the little bit of homework I need to do for CS, and that'll be my day. Look I'll have done 5 things they I need to do, very productive. Then I'll go to sleep. Wake up. Go to classes. Do homework. eat. go online. go tosleep wake up class eat work eat sleep wakeclassseatworksleepeatworksleepclass...

*sigh*

'Tis my ever exciting life right now. It's honestly too much work to meet people. I'm being serious too. You CANNOT just go out in the hall, and try to talk to someone. Everyone, is always on the phone, in another conversation, or in a hurry to go somewhere.

Okay, so let's go to the outside area. Still... everyone already has their friends. Talking to them. Ignoring other people.

Okay, so let's go to the cafeteria, and try to find someone sitting by themselves. Well it turns out, by the time you sit down, they get up. Or they are totally unsocial altogether, and are impossible to talk to.

Okay, so let's go to a frat/sor party .Guess what? Drunk people! They're talkative, although the chances of them remembering your name are slim. I guess if I was desperate, I could do this though. I mean every girl there hadn't really had a drink before. I mean if you're a half decent looking guy, you look like JT when the girl is drunk. I remember trying to talk to one girl, and she just kept leaning in, leaning in, until I just had to get up and talk to someone else before I got myself into trouble. Then another girl, who, after 5 minutes of talking, had decided I was the coolest guy ever, and wanted to go 'somewhere' with me for a few hours. First of all, I have a girl, and enough integrity to remember that at all times. I'm not saying that's stopping me from meeting people, but it's stopping me from going any further than that with people. Oh, and yeah, besides, good for me, I don't touch girls with drinks, anyways. I hate that. I could deal with a world without alcohol. (And don't worry about the girl, she found someone else to swoon over 5 minutes later, who, unfortunately, didn't have as many morals, and took her up on her offer. Turns out she had a boyfriend already though. Oh well, whatever, not my problem. Drinks do that sometimes.)

Okay, so let's talk to our roommate. No wait. He's not here.

Okay, so let's... uh... well, that's pretty much every major way to meet people. It's not that I'm not trying. It's that the people I do end up talking to, I don't care much for. I mean it's not that I don't like them, it's that I know I'd get annoyed more than I care to be.

It's not bad though. I can go down the hall and play Xbox with one guy. Go outside and talk to everyone smoking in front of the dorm. Talk music with another guy in the dorm. Walk to Starbucks, and strike up a conversation with someone sitting there alone. There are ways... but they are too situation specific, and I find myself talking to more people, when I'm not on the lookout, than when I am. What a paradox!

Another thing, meeting people isn't such a big deal. It'll happen in time. I think my problem is that it's everyone ELSE'S biggest priorities right now, and it rubs off. Everyone is trying to go places and meet people, so I feel I have to.

No, wait, since when have I gone out and met people? I never have. Ever. The friends I have met me, and I love each and everyone of my friends, and the times I try to go out and meet people, I end up hanging out with people that just don't suit me. So that's that. I'll do my homework. Talk to people as they come along, and do my laundry. Sounds like a plan.

Alright, I'm going to sleep.

Note: This post got morbid fast. To be honest, I'm in a pretty good mood actually, good enough to take a cynical look at the way the past two days have been. If I really would have cared, I probably wouldn't have had such a massive amount of commentary on the subject. Life's fine, there are some cool people here, but there are also a lot of immature people. (As in, still thinking High School - level cliques are cool, and don't know how to handle their alcohol). My roommate's an awesome guy actually, and there are three other guys in the dorm I've learned to chill with, and two girls that I often see outside and talk to while we're smoking a cigarette, or if I'm waiting for a phone call, or just got off the phone, or even if I'm just chilling outside on the bench. I mean, 5 decent acquaintances is more than enough to keep from feeling left out. Seriously. That and, I'm actually enjoying my classes so far. So yeah, college is cool. Just ask me again in two weeks, and I'll be like "College Rocks!"

Later people. Listen to some cool song. Right now I'm listening to Bob Dylan cover 'Yesterday." That, is not a good example of something to listen to, lol.

Klln

Saturday, August 21st, 2004

You know what the difference between a weekly TV show, and a film on DVD are?

A weekly TV show is fun, it entertains you for that hour, or half hour time slot, then you're expected to move on, and succumb to it's time schedule. A film on DVD, on the other hand, you can pop in anytime. It's two o'clock in the morning? Go ahead, pop it in, get some comfort. The story is usually deeper, more intriguing, and there is something that you just GET from a film, that you don't get from TV. Maybe a level of professionalism, a level of sincerity.

Sure, both are entertaining, in the time they are there, but after a TV show, you're left hanging and waiting, while a film can be watched again, and used for entertainment anytime. After it's done, you may not want to watch it right again, but you certainly have this comfort knowing you can watch it again.

TV is nice, and the time you spend with it is fun, no doubt, and sometimes, you forget about films, being so caught up in TV drama. But, in the end, you just want some time with a film. And it never hits you, how much you like the feel of a film, until the TV show is over. Night time, no good TV. What you wouldn't do for your favourite film, and some popcorn, and just spend the night together.

"What's all this about TV and film, you're talking about?" you must be saying.

It's not TV and film, it's acquaintances, and best friends.

Friday, August 20th, 2004

I noticed that a lot of the links on the site aren't working anymore, now that the domain name e-conundrum.com is down, but here's the deal, if you see a link that doesn't work, just replace e-conundrum in the address with conundrum.freeservers.com, like www.e-conundrum.com/archive.htm should be conundrum.freeservers.com/archive.htm . I'll eventually get around to to fixing that stuff myself, but, yeah, I'm lazy and stuff.

Also the domain name www.antijoke.com is now forwarding here, so use that. This is now www.antijoke.com . (Still the Online Conundrum though, I'm too lazy to be changing the whole layout.)

I don't practice Santeria.
I don't got no crystal ball.
Well, I'd have a million dollars, but...
but I'd spend it all.

Today was... fun. Well I perhaps slept a little too much, but what more can you expect of me?

I'm starting to think even my so called 'hard' classes, Calculus and Computer Science are going to be a joke, Calc I already know, and I don't seem to have any trouble remembering any of it so far, and in CS the teacher is using Python, one of the few languages I know well. Funny thing about Python though, technically it was my first language. I remember looking at all of the popular languages (Java, C++, so on...) and thinking "This is a computer world, new things are always coming around." So I decided to try a new language, an up and coming one, and I decided on Python (Over Ruby, basically) thinking "This language is going places." And hey, guess what? I'm doing it in class now! Everyone else here wanted to be the popular nerd so they learned Java, C++, Perl, or some well known language, but I went ahead of them, and now look at what language is popular? Score another one for Kellen! </nerd>.

And for the record, the glazed donut I had in CS 1801, my freshman seminar, was the best thing I've eaten in a long time. I seriously don't think I've had a glazed donut in 2-3 years, and I love those things. Yeah...

Can't fight against the youth.

Buddha says, "I'm cool."
Yup, that's what he says. Buddha, YOU are the pimp.

I still have yet attempted to do laundry, or take out my trash. I think I better do that soon. *looks at growing trash pile* Yup. Do that soon. Definitely.

After a day like this, I'm usually in a somber mood, bored, and thinking of people I miss, but, heck, if everyday in college is like this, I won't mind. I mean, it's not the best day, but it had this laid back feeling, with a good dose of accomplishment as well. And it's FRIDAY! (Maybe that's it) I finally get to sleep in. Sleep... mmm... love it.

Man I need some Xbox.

Got find the reason.
The reason things went wrong.
Got to find the reason my money's all gone.

How fitting, I'm broke as a person who has no money.

You know, there is a lot of stress right now in the dorm. People are getting homesick, my friends in Baumholder miss each other, and are stressed about starting college. Just keep a carefree attitude. Things happen, there isn't anything you can do about it. Whatever happens, happens, yo. Relax, stop thinking about things that haunt you. Some things are designed to work, and things that don't will show you soon enough, and by that time, you won't care. If something happens, that's been worrying you for a while, by the time that thing happens (at least if you have a little bit to do with it), it will be cool with you. You'll have rationalized it by then.

Think of graduation, at the beginning of the year, a lot of people looked forward to it, or dreaded it, but by the time it came, you went through it fine. You knew it was time, all the events leading up to it had happened, and it felt right. Most events in life are like that, and even if they don't quite work out so well, you'll get over it, look forward to THAT.

Yeah, just some words of wisdom, from someone coming to terms with a lot of things that had been bugging me.

Yeah, so later people, enjoy the freakin' weeken', listen to some Sublime, 311, or Cibo Matto. It makes you feel better.

Thursday, August 19th, 2004

I was going back through my story I had been writing, for about, oh, three years. I think it's a good time to pick it up and start trying to wrap this thing up, but I almost forgot what I had written at this point. Anyways, I found this passage, and couldn't help but being amused at my writing style at that time:

She slaps me. I say it in such few words, because that’s about as quick as it happened.

Imagine your body being a bunch of fire marshals.

We have pain in sector 78, that’s the left cheek, people! I need a back up squad of red blood cells there, ASAP! I want some others to line up in case we lose a few people, I want you clotters over there to get ready too we may have a wound.

I’m not cut though, my brain says at 180 miles an hour.

False alarm, but we’ll need a few cells to stay there, just in case we incur further damage, because that spot will be weak for a while. I wonder why the pain is in the shape of a hand?

So those little red blood cells trot, and form four fingers, a thumb, and a well-contacted palm, and gives me face a pretty little pink hand print.

“Ow.”

Such coolness. And the story is 40 pages long in Word, I don't remember it being that long... interesting, well anyway...

This'll be a short date, to make up for the monster that was yesterday...

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004 *supplement*

Okay, so I was reading something I typed earlier:

The interesting thing though is that there seems to be this line. Once someone crosses it, it doesn't matter. I can compete. I can show off. I can take charge. (I'm pretty much typing this as I think, by the way, I haven't written this down or thought about it before, and no doubt I'm making myself out to be better than I could ever hope to be, but in a scientific experiment, you must only have one variable)

Think... most people that reach that line, must have gotten there by taking charge, though. By being a little conceited (in a good way). Taking that leap I am so apt to not doing. However, the wall I hit is the fact that I don't clash with these people. Two strong minded people often clash, and it is near impossible for me to become that close to someone weak minded, so naturally, after making that switch at that line, I should clash. But I don't. The only thing I can think of is that once they reach that line, they also make a switch. Perhaps not so drastic, but they reduce their own confidence. They don't lie, they don't over brag. Why? I don't know. That certainly explains why  I become close to people, or hardly talk to them at all, though.

Interesting enough, at least to me. (I mean who else could follow that, really, I'm glad I understand what I'm saying, when I type like that it's basically my thoughts zooming through my fingers)

By the way it's referring to how people have to be conceited, at least in some small way, in order to meet people, to become successful. I'm saying, since I have this huge anti-conceited thing going on, it's hurting me sometimes. (and yes I know, but saying I'm not conceited even in the slightest, is in fact making myself feel conceited)

BLAH BLAH BLAH... whatever, get on with YOUR life.

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

THURSDAY, APRIL 29TH, 2004!?!?!?

WhoaMG.

I don't... I can't... I just don't know how to start. Wait, I already have haven't I? Let me continue to freak out about this for another paragraph or two, then I'll type something worth reading. (Wait, have I ever done that?)

So that leaves all of May. June. July. and half of August.

I mean, that leaves out The Death Star. Khameleon. Prom. Katy. Graduation. Windmills. My entire Summer.

I mean, that leaves out parties, and barbecues, and shoot, that leaves out June 12th, and we all know what happened then. (No, actually nothing happened then that I remember. It's just a random date. Really.) I really want to get back into updating this site normally. You know, daily routine, and pseudo-intellectual crap, but at the same time I want to record all of these memories I've developed in the past four months. Past third year. Quite possibly the most influential third of a year in my life. So many new things, so many new ideas, new people.

On a side note, I noticed that 77 people visited this site yesterday. WhoTF is visiting my site anymore? I understand when I put up new videos, and update this thing, but... now? Odd.

Okay, so here's my excuse (oh you know you want it):

After that car accident, I realised something. Patrick, Daniel, and Richie were in that frikkin' car!

Well.. duh.

You see, it wasn't Jamal. It wasn't Jeremy. It wasn't Lauren. Not Jan, Mike, Kyle, Anthony, Avery, Lance, Ryan (Whatever his last name was), Andrew, Ben, Anton, Calandra, Neil, John. It wasn't them. It was these new people. I mean, by then, they had become pretty good friends of mine (duh, otherwise they probably wouldn't be in my car) but this was a different crowd. A different time.

This website was born out of boredom. All of those Xanga people, I created this site, before any of you signed up. I didn't know a blog was an actual thing. I used it as a journal, a diary. Somewhere to put my ideas, and maybe show a person or two later. And the people I would show were some of those who weren't in my car. I had designed this site for THEM. For ME. It was killing me. Every time I opened up Notepad. Frontpage. I saw this gray background, and thought of them. I was cheating on my new friends. I was writing to an audience that wasn't really listening anymore.

By the time May rolled around, Jamal was gone. Jeremy was gone. My conversations with Lauren died down to about nothing. Maybe they still read, I did. That's not the point though, I didn't need to type it on a website anymore. I could drive to anyone's house and talk with them. How many time did I drive past Richie's house? Made that trek to Daniel's? Passed Katy's, even if it was just a trip to the windmills?

The point is, maybe for that small bit I changed. And I don't go changing for no one, I just did. Not in personality, no way, but in style. In hobbies.

So... wait... where was I?

Nevermind. You know what. Nevermind.

There are like 8 dorms in the hall playing Halo right now. Typical.

Yeah and anyways, I'm going to mark today as extremely boring, mildly depressing, and definitely introspective. You'd think that after all this military life, I'd be able to go out and meet people, but nope not me. It's not that I'm not a people person, I really get along with everyone, but I just don't meet people easily. Maybe I cling, maybe I cling to people and don't want to let go. I want people to find me. I want them to meet me, and learn to like me. I want them to do the work.

Wow tone shift.

I feel another one coming along...

Then again I always do this, lose all my friends, then gain new ones that make me all but forget my old ones (as sad as that sounds). It's always been a time thing, somewhere in the area of 3 weeks. (Except Oklahoma, I was miserable there for, what, 3 months? Ugh... I hope this doesn't repeat that.) Either way I don't see myself not making any good friends in a short bit. I mean, positive attitude right?

I'm trying to not make this sound depressing. It's just that I've been pulled away so fast, put in an environment I don't understand, and it's killing me. I mean how many people want to be where I am right now, and didn't get in, or couldn't afford it? Sorry, guys.

One more interesting thing I thought about. Now that I'm farther away from my parents, I feel as though I can type things I was scared to before (because they read this stuff :-P)

So yeah, I'm coming out with it, sorry, but I've been shooting heroin, having unprotected sex with random girls, and stealing bottles of vodka from the store everyday now.

Yeah... right. Sorry, I'm not that bad.

Not nearly.

One thing that's kinda disappointing though, is smoking. I mean who doesn't know now? But still, here's how it is: I'm a curious guy, and something that's so widely done interested me. On top of that I hate the fact that my parents smoked, and never quit, I mean it's KILLING them. Maybe I understand a bit now. Let's say it's noon, and you are hungry. You are thirsty. At the same time you need a cigarette. The same way you need to drink, and eat, there is now this other thing you need. Exactly like that.

At the same time guys, it's not that hard. I've not smoked for a week before, and didn't think much of it. Now when I want a cigarette, it's because I want the taste of one, like when you want a Pepsi, even when you aren't thirsty, just the taste, that's it. It makes it easier to talk to other smokers too, doesn't make it as awkward. I remember when I would see a girl, a nice looking girl, then she would pull out a cigarette, and I'd all of a sudden not care about her. Don't care to meet her. I didn't want that riding on my shoulders. If my future wife were to smoke, I don't want to not meet her because she was smoking, and there could be all these wonderful things about her. (at the same time, a lot of people still think that way. Imagine the people you're turning away when they see you smoking. Of course, this explains my mom and dad not mattering as much, because they are married, and have their good friends, it doesn't matter if they turn people away.) I still don't like the smell. I actually don't care for the taste much, which is why I only have one now after a meal, or something, because I don't want that to be the predominant taste in my mouth. Not at all. Anyways, yeah... not sure I said much there.

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

It's been a while.

Perhaps. You know perhaps, I've read too much recently. All knowledge can't be gained through books, I suppose, but the knowledge I like certainly can be.

Anyway, I've been thinking... Trying to classify myself (Matrix!) I believe I can relate almost all of my actions to one things: I hate being conceited, thus I don't do it. (I dislike people, in general, who show this trait as well... we'll get to that later, though)

I hate turning down anything. When I turn down something (or someone) I feel as though I'm saying, "Nope I'm too good for that." Except for money, once again, accepting money, to me, is putting yourself above someone else "You owe me." I suppose lying derives from that as well, lying to someone is tricking them, deceiving them. You are saying, "I am smarter, you can't tell."

I suppose that's how I achieve a generally amiable position in most people's minds. No one likes being lied to, or someone who puts themselves above them, but most can't help but do either, especially in a pinch. They are risky. Of course great risk begets great reward, which is where I fall into a rut.

This may seem grandiose, but it works on a much smaller level, showing that those two are most often used in a positive way.

I don't go out of my way to talk to anyone. Using the current logic, that may be because I feel that doing so assumes the other party wants your attention. I mark this as anti-conceitedness for lack of a better term, but it shows that it is necessary in some points. This also shows why I can plainly talk to someone who initiates something with me, this shows they want attention from me, and not showing that back, is rude. Nothing to do with initiative at all actually.

Also you mustn't confuse this with totally positive confidence. You can show confidence alone. Confidence that you can watch a movie and not fall asleep. Confidence that you can use your own legs to walk from room to room. (But we hit a paradox with which stating my own pure humbleness runs the risk of being interpreted as a sort of conceitedness in itself. I get passed that by typing to a site, and not by telling this to someone directly.)

Very strictly, though, it is a sort of confidence, I suppose. I am not confident in my ability to walk the thin line of showing confidence and becoming conceited. I am not confident of my ability to talk religion or politics with someone, without offending them. (Saying my way is right, you are wrong) That explains that.

There is one thing that generally overrides that rule though. The pursuit of education I speak of. My own curiosity. If my own humbleness (refusal to put myself above the law, refusal to put myself above other people's ideas at least in my own mind) gets in the way of my drive for learning something new, it is pushed aside.

I'm not saying this is an absolute though. Obviously. I could go up to someone and brag, talk down to them, in order to learn how they'd react, education, but I won't because the drive for that knowledge isn't strong enough. Two magnetic forces, one slightly stronger. That helps explain this, too. By typing this out, I run the risk of sounding conceited, but it helps me gather everything in one place, an informational tool.

The only other time I could truly be somewhat conceited. This one is obvious, when it's a lose lose situation. I try to pick the lesser of two evils at all times. The perfect example is if someone asks me to do something for them. They admit their own inability, and turn to me. I hate putting myself above them, but turning them down is even worse, telling them they are not worth your time. Another example might be if someone were to ask me out. (Ha!) If I said no, that means, once again, they aren't worth my time. So I say yes, knowing that even this means that this means believing  that they really think I'm worth their time. Of course, I avoid this situation by not asking anybody for anything. (Which is arguable paradoxical in nature, once again, because it may show that I think they aren't worth my time, worthless to me. It just seems worse to me that I could interrupt someone else's life with a burden of my own).

So, on to the quickies.

I don't call people, because I believe they are doing something that is important.
I don't play sports because I don't want someone else to sit out on account of me. (The Drama Play thing, of course, is a victim of that overriding curiosity)

The interesting thing though is that there seems to be this line. Once someone crosses it, it doesn't matter. I can compete. I can show off. I can take charge. (I'm pretty much typing this as I think, by the way, I haven't written this down or thought about it before, and no doubt I'm making myself out to be better than I could ever hope to be, but in a scientific experiment, you must only have one variable)

Think... most people that reach that line, must have gotten there by taking charge, though. By being a little conceited (in a good way). Taking that leap I am so apt to not doing. However, the wall I hit is the fact that I don't clash with these people. Two strong minded people often clash, and it is near impossible for me to become that close to someone weak minded, so naturally, after making that switch at that line, I should clash. But I don't. The only thing I can think of is that once they reach that line, they also make a switch. Perhaps not so drastic, but they reduce their own confidence. They don't lie, they don't over brag. Why? I don't know. That certainly explains why  I become close to people, or hardly talk to them at all, though.

It also explains the chain reaction I often have. I will go without a good friend for a while, but once I have one, I have many, as more people start to see that other side I do tend to show, and are intrigued by this duality. 

I don't expect anyone other than myself in the future to read this, and I hate the idea of being to explain all my action to one thing, but it's something on my mind, that needs to go away, momentarily at least.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I'm just a son of a son, a son of a son, a son of a son of a sailor.

I haven't updated in a while. I mean, though, nothing too exciting happened. Wrecked a car, nearly died, found out my stepdad won't make it for graduation, you know, things that happen ALL the time...

Yeah...


I lost some eyelashes, weird, huh?


RIP Yellow Submarine, 1987-2004



Yeah, I've had better days. (How I wish you were here)

If you scroll down a bit you can see the car in it's prime. How sad. (Walk on part on the wall, for a lead role in a cage)

Ah, this week sucks. This month sucks. I always hated April now that I think of it. Stupid month. I could deal without it.

An Ode to my car. (To the tune of While My Guitar Gently Weeps)

I look at you and see the tires need changing.
While my old car gently weeps
I look at the seat and I see it needs cleaning
Still my old car gently weeps
I don’t know why nobody bought you new tires
I don’t know how someone went and wrecked you
They bought and ruined you.

I look at the sunroof and I notice it’s not working
While my old car gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my old car gently weeps
I don’t know how you were totaled
You were in good shape too
I don’t know how you were crumpled
No one warned you.

I look at you and apologize to you
While my old car gently weeps
I apologize...
Still my old car gently weeps.

Ack, you know it STILL bugs me to think I lost 100 pages of this website. From MAy 22nd 2003 to August 22nd. I know, not nearly as long as far as time goes as this page, or the first page ( http://www.e-conundrum.com/archive.htm) but still, that was my entire Summer. A lot of things and emotions went into that Summer. A LOT. Argh, I must find it.

OMG OMG OMG! In the last... 2 seconds it hit me where to look! That internet archiver webstie! I FOUND IT! (Well most of it... )

Happy! Now if I can find the missing month or so... anyway THE LOST ARCHIVES! -> http://www.e-conundrum.com/archive2.htm)

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

We are all prisoners here, of our own device.

I hate this. I am upset, and I can't say why (because I don't know). I'm in this serious turmoil. I, uh, I, uh, I'm not going to even say anything.

Saturday, April 3, 2004

A working class hero is something to be.

Spring break! Yay!. My God, what a freakin' week. 0_o I'm pooped. Emotionally, mentally and physically drained.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Well, it looks like Georgia Tech. Eh, I mean, yay, right?

But, er, aiee, okay, whatever.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

For the longest time, I really didn't get it. It just didn't make sense to me, I mean it's the 21st century and we still live under prohibition.

But of course. It's the premises of the "progressive" movement. Experts employed by the government can make better decisions about your life than you can yourself, the problem being that they have been enacted into law and upheld by the courts.

Modern society. Yeah. Right. The U.S. is not nearly as dynamic as it should be. My big problem is the reason they give the public. Never mind these empty conspiracy theories, they have to give a public reason right? They don't. They really don't. I guess someone is just playing darts.

And revisionism, what the heck is up with THAT? I mean, really.

0_o

We live in the dark ages.

Heh, the neo-dark age. We are on a path of evolution, not revolution. What's next?

Who's next?

(read my GameFAQs post:

Okay, so technically we call it the... Neo-Dark Ages. You'd think that in a 'modern' society, tolerance for, well, anything would be higher. It seems to be just wrong. We are not free. We just plain aren't.

This may sound angsty, hey maybe it is, but if you throw it all away at the label of angst, you only support me. I dub it the US of ADD, as we just don't have time to make our own choices anymore.

But of course. It's the premises of the "progressive" movement. Experts employed by the government can make better decisions about your life than you can yourself, the problem being that they have been enacted into law and upheld by the courts.

Modern society. Yeah. Right. The U.S. is not nearly as dynamic as it should be. My big problem is the reason they give the public. Never mind these empty conspiracy theories, they have to give a public reason right? They don't. They really don't. I guess someone is just playing darts.

Okay, more specifically we have three things:

Drugs. I'm not going to argue legalization for drugs, because that's dumb to argue. That's like arguing the fact that any race should be able to ride the bus wherever they want. It shouldn't be a question. There is NO difference between old and modern prohibition. Alcohol/tobacco is no worse or better, than any hard drug out there.

Gambling. I REALLY REALLY don't understand the taboo against this one. I mean, jeez, the stock market runs the economy, and what do you call that? Guaranteed return? Yeah, okay.

Homosexuality. Give me a real, convincing, political reason for this, and I'll give you a jar of cookies.

Why does anyone care if I want to shoot heroin while tossing some dice with my consensual boyfriend? (Not that I care much for any of that, I really don't, but I want the choice to)

Okay, it's not as bad as 'some' modern countries. Like the UK and their muddled drug laws no one can figure out anymore (been to Camden recently?). Or Germany, and the fact that posting this link --> http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=6l0p5.5791%24ZU2.255847%40news-west.usenetserver.com&output=gplain Could get me arrested and sentenced to jail. Hey MAYBE THE HOLOCAUST WAS BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION!? Oh no, I hear sirens. (I live in Germany, as a U.S. citizen)

Not every History text book is true, folks.

Note that I don't say anything about abortion and such, mainly because that has valid human rights issues behind it for real debate, it has little to do with a policeman's paycheck.

The problem is that, we have dropped many taboos, i.e. religious freedom, speaking against the government, and so on, but the ones we have kept have now grown roots, and I don't know if it'll ever change now. People really are sheep.

Can I go out on the street and if someone asks, tell them I don't believe in God? Sure. Legally, but will they like me less? Probably. Even if I give evidence and reason for my claim/belief.

No sir. We do not live in a free era. We are still in the dark ages. We are on a path of evolution, not revolution. What's next?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

So, I get it in my head I want to rearrange my room...

I get home, and instead fall asleep, but here is the problem. I dream about rearranging my room, and of course when I wake up, it's as it was. I really don't feel like doing it again. Oh well, I really want to rearrange it, I guess I will. I know I can make this room feel bigger, and clean it in the process, hey look a Rubix cube...

Monday, March 22, 2004

They call me the wild rose...

I really do listen to weird music.

Jeez, how many times will I go to watch Schindler's List, only to realise I don't have 3 hours and 16 minutes to drop? Oh well.

I hitting a meaningless cycle here, I got to find an end to that quick. I don't-- oh nevermind. No ranting now. No angst. Let's just say I AM the walrus, but how much longer can I lead people on? (coo coo goo joob)

Hey, Jersey Girl comes out soon, didn't think I'd ever say that.

Hey, yeah, so what if I just waited a day doing nothing?

Is green still my favourite colour?

My arm hurts, I think it's cancer.

The play is coming along well.

I wish I played an instrument.

Who will I know next year?

Where will I be next year?

Who will I forget?

Am I going bald?

Who knows.

Who cares.

I don't.

I do.

The opposite of reductionism is holism, right? I think that's correct.

<_< >_>

Uh oh. Here it comes.

One of them means you focus on the individual parts, lets take the human body for example. It is a collection of systems, organs, cells, working together to keep you alive. The other one means you view it as a whole, the body is not a collection of organs, it is more than that, the sum is greater than the parts. (Do you have a body, or you are a body? You have a brain, you are a brain?) I'm sorry for going back to my philosophy roots, but I'm having trouble thinking of anything else at this point.

It's just that all logic points to a reductionist point of view, and that sucks. The theory that we AREN'T anything but a collection of organs, we are just a brain is a disturbing thought. If that's so, than AI is entirely plausible, eventually, yes, we will let our own creation kill ourselves. Pure, rational, logic kills God. There is something wrong with logic though. There is no romance in it, and the problem is that there should be romance in everything. As soon as someone says there is some sort of aesthetic beauty in logic, they cease to be referring to logic anymore.

But, argh, what, how, do we find something aesthetically beautiful? What are the criterion? I hit this mental block here. I just... I don't know. dunno dunno dunno.

Everything is different in the morning. Everything fades away. I'm so fickle, I swear. I really do have ADD. (I'm so American).I don't know what I want, really, I don't know what questions to ask, because if I did, it would be easy, I'm good at answering things, there's just too much initiative in asking a question, and I just don't have that.

I mean, really.

I hate the internet.

Wait.

Wait wait wait.

No one knows what they want. *thinks* Whoa, definitely, no one knows what they want. That's it, no one really knows what they want. Some people only know some things they DON'T want, but that's about as far as it goes. (And even then, that's awful rare)

Okay, yeah, I'm taking on way too serious of a tone here. I'm not allowed to do that. I think.

I'm such a goof.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Imagine all the people.

Friday, March 19, 2004 *supplement*

I figured it out! I got it! I know what is I truly dislike. The ONLY thing I dislike. The biggest turn off to me. One of the defining points of my personality, and choices of friends and other mates.

I don't like people who put themselves above others.

Think about it. That's all I truly dislike. I don't lie, because it feels as though I'm trying to put myself above someone else by tricking them. I don't like calling people by their last names, because I feel like I'm putting myself above them. I love making people laugh, because the minute you make someone laugh, I don't care if it's the president, they come down to your level for a while. Everyone is the same. No one is better.

Oops. There I go, sounding like Mr. America. Crap. Sorry.

But really, that is my biggest turn off. And perhaps the opposite is my biggest turn on. Someone who can talk to anyone, laugh with them, is the coolest thing. All my best friends don't make fun of other people to make fun. they don't overly brag, they don't ignore others... that's it.

Yes, hey, though, we gotta understand ourselves to understand others.

Or something. I don't know, I've had too much thinking time lately. I'm still trying to figure too many things out at once.

WTF Mate?

Once again, I'm only a teenager, my thoughts don't count, everyone else has thought, has gone through, the same things I'm trying to figure out right now.

Too bad it's not the 1400s or something. I'd be hard working now, with a wife, and probably a kid already. Don't worry about choices, I mean really, whoever said I WANTED freedom?

It's almost no fun when you don't have to fight for it, I mean don't know if I can appreciate it.

Leave me out in the cold, then offer a warm fireplace.
Make me walk everywhere, then offer me a car.
Put handcuffs on me, then offer me freedom.

Please.

Friday, March 19, 2004

I had a revelation today. My Gas... err gasometer? Fuel gauge? Well the thing that tells you how much gas you have left in your car, yeah that thing, well it increases (and hence decreases) at an exponential rate. I put in 15 liters, and it goes to about 1/8th. I put in another 15 liters, it goes to about 1/2. Then another 15 liters tops it off to full. Weird, isn't it.

Okay, not so revelation-y... but something I noticed.

Seems my weekend will be busy as well. I'd complain about being tired and stuff, but in general I find complaints (especially to a website) to be a rather waste of time.

Still this whole 'Tech' thing is looming over me. Er, yeah.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Wow, it's been a full month since my last update. Nothing much happened though.

Yeah. Right.

In fact, this last month has been the most eventful month I have ever had. Ever. I mean last year around the graduation time it became pretty busy, eventful and such, but really, this has been much worse (better?)

Really, who still reads this site?

I probably should archive this and start a new section, but, that's too much work, and I'm still mad about the loss of my other archive.

Okay, so let's list.

One month ago, that's right, it was like a week until my 18th birthday, and a huge surprise happened. My dad showed up. WhoaMG. Awesome stuff, awesome week, in fact I would have labeled that as the Best. Week. Evar, if it wasn't for the following week.

Senior trip, Paris and London, AWESOME people. 'Nuff said. I had more fun that week than I have ever had.

Get back from Sr. Trip, experience some... new... things, then mom leaves for 4 days, and I become responsible for the household. Pressure, stress.

So it was SUPPOSED to calm down, but then another trip springs out, and I'm off to The Honors Band and Chorus Music Festival to film. I wasn't much looking forward to it, I mean, it didn't sound all that exciting, and I guess it WASN'T, but I'm so so so so so so glad I went. Trips can be dumb, but new people are always cool. It was fun.

And all this is in the midst of play practice, and three different project I'm working hard on.

All the facts, and no opinion, that's no fun.

I had some really good ideas lately too. The US of ADD. Ha. Good stuff. No new Anti-Jokes though.

Ah! duh! I forget to mention...

I got accepted to GATech!!!!! Yay for me.

But, er, ah, gagh, ssssss...

No more turmoil, there has been too much of that...

Too much. I was actually in a rather bad mood today, but I suppose that's what to be expected.

You know.... argh. Just... argh. I'm still sick. I hate being sick, it makes me feel so... bleh.

See how the pigs fly like Randolf. [I'm eatin' heyah]

Screw people who didn't have fun. MY LAST MONTH HAS ROCKED.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Let's try this again.
Hi, my name is Kellen.

Smart statement of today -> I am a man living in the age of feminism. (Not to be confused with Durden's "We are a generation of men raised by women." Looking at that statement, I can only think, DUH! What generation was raised by men? Victorian? Elizabethan? Dark Ages? Nope, we've always been raised by women.)

Random statements -> I recently rediscovered the immensity that is Usenet. The amount of shear knowledge is enough to make someone go "OH MY GOD! LOOK AT ALL THAT KNOWLEDGE" But really, from reading about DXM extraction techniques, to events transpiring at Babi Yar, 60 years ago, to finding a place to download the movie Arsenic and Old Lace, one wonders why everyone doesn't sit on Usenet all day. (Because only smart people can figure it out? Nah...)

I am attracted to that which I am denied of. Oohhh.

I am so tempted to restart my story again, I've had some pretty good ideas for it. The main problem woul dbe my style of writing, it is so Palahniuk-esque, and I don't think I can keep that up right now. I gotta find my own style, it should be in here somewhere... *looks under bed* nope...

All the children are insane.

Torrenting is KILLING MY BANDWIDTH. But it's so lovely...

7 days until I'm 18. 0_o wow.

*pretends not to be nervous about not having heard back from colleges*

I'm still waiting for my initiative by the way. Maybe though, I do have initiative, it's simply that I haven't wanted anything enough to take it yet. Aha! You tell me, Kellen, you're thirsty,   Kellen, you're thirsty,   Kellen, you're thirsty,   Kellen, you're thirsty,   Kellen, you're thirsty,   Kellen, you're thirsty,  and guess what? I'll get thirsty. Stop telling me what I want, let me figure it out.

Yeah so what, my blog went from a readable, entertaining, daily source to RAMBLINGS OF MY HEAD UPDATE WHEN I WANT! It's for me, though, right?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Yay for organization!

That's right, I finally got around to putting everything back together on my computer! New video! check out www.nolegs.com today!

Saturday, February 7, 2004

It's not that I don't WANT to update my site, it's just that I forget.

It's not that my week has been boring, and nothing of note has happened, in fact, this past week has been more eventful then one would wish, filling in the gaps with Beatle's music.

It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I lack the initiative, but then again, isn't that the story of my life?

But, I'm working on that. Little steps. Little steps. I'm almost scared to have an abundance of initiative, I'd be a scary person.

As it is, I'm still the best supporting actor that never was.

Five video projects now? Ugh. (History. English. PSA. Baumholder Exp. Media Fest)

Saturday, February 1, 2004

What would it be like to look through a glass onion?

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Bah. Just.. bah.


Mercedes: Only for cool people.



And in the distance, he saw what would forever haunt his dreams...

Thursday, January 22, 2004 *supplement 2*

Oh.
MY.
GODDDD!!!!!!!!

GO TO IMDB RIGHT NOW!!! (www.imdb.com)

LOOK UP THE OC!!!!!

LOOK AT ADAM BRODY, AND CLICK HIS NAME!!! (The guy who plays Seth)

LOOK AT HIS FOURTH CREDIT!

Or let me just put it here:

Missing Brendan (2003) .... Patrick Calden
Grind (2003) .... Dustin Knight
"O.C., The" (2003) TV Series .... Seth Cohen
Ring, The (2002) .... Kellen, Teen #3

LOOK AGAIN

Ring, The (2002) .... Kellen, Teen #3

0_o The nerdy guy from the OC plays a character with my name in another movie.

Okay if my name was Joe, or Sam, I'd be like, okay... but OMG *dies*

*stops* *thinks*

*slaps self*

I HATE TV.

Thursday, January 22, 2004 *supplement*

I am such a lemming. I eventually give in to everything. For some reason three days ago I found myself downloading the complete The OC season 1. No, I don't know why, and really I didn't have much intention of watching it, remember, I HATE TV.

Now I get home today, with my body being pulled in two directions, feeling like I'm gonna snap very soon (You know that elated YES YES YES OMG YES!!!! and that dreaded OMG I'm depressed beyond resurrection from two separate events...) I go downstairs, and realise, I need to escape for an hour.

8, 45 minute episodes later.... I realise...

I HATE TV. (Now what's this show they call One Tree Hill... :-P)

Okay but three things:

ANY show that references Fight Club in the first episode, rules.

ANY show which makes the nerdy guy out to be cool, and funny, without sacrificing the nerdiness, rules.

ANY show that has the guts to throw out jokes only 0.0001% of us get (Princess Mononoke?!), rules.

That said, I still hate TV, think it's God-awful, and not representative of real life at all. No one out side of a Michener novel has that much drama. Even you, Holly. :-P

There are so many things to be said right now. I just, don't want to say them... I wish I could really gauge who still reads my site, and who doesn't.

Oh, and like a week ago, this site, my blogging, turned one year old. Wow. I'd reminisce if I wasn't still so pissed about losing half of my archives.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Maybe, just maybe, there is a back up of the page on my Dad's computer.. I hope.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 *supplement*

AHHHH!!! I can't find it anywhere!  I'm deeply saddened by this.

There are some things you in life you should do (like AP Calc?)

On the other hand, there are some things you shouldn't... Yes, like, watch Donnie Darko when you are already in a borderline mood, then read Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche, then stare at the fan until you convince yourself "The fan isn't moving. I am."

No, back to my old theories. Classical Kellen 101. Everyone is sad.

Yeah, maybe my goal in life was... that. I mean it felt like it, and more than likely, my life WOULD have been complete had I done... that. %^&*, I sound like a manic depressant contemplating suicide. I'm not, don't worry.

AHHI I HATE COMPUTER PROGRAMMING. I hate doing anything for a long period of time, what am I to do? Just give me a 9 to 5 job. An apartment in some city. An old car and a scratchy stereo system.

Give me an island, the complete works of Shakespeare and the Beatles' White Album.

Put me under the lens, give me money to eat, and that's it.

Examine me, experiment on me.

What's my lesson? I look right through you. (Funny? Sad? Dying?)

Just lock me in my room, feed me under the door, and leave me alone. I'm content. Why do we HAVE to do some things? No this isn't one of those cry for help things, approaching the end of Senior year. This isn't one of those teenage angst things (I KNOW those).

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God. (Maybe Invisible Monsters was the best one?)

Message Error: You cannot send yourself messages in MSN Messenger.

I SAID NO!?!?!  WTF!? It's not like I'm... or anyone would... #$%#%! What the @@$#@? I said no? Did I really? There has to be some sort of philosophical pretension to that. I don't believe in... yet I hope for... I could have... hahahahahahahaaaaa.

I don't understand myself, and God save anyone that does.

Does... wait did I... no... I don't think so...

I can't wait for this weekend. Fall asleep tomorrow afternoon and wake up Tuesday.

No wait, I can't, I have STUFF TO DO! Argh. I'm going to collapse. Stop thinking. Be a mindless drone and just get everything done. Okay.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

FU- err !@*&@*!&&*$@ !*!@*@!@!#$!

I deleted my archives of the old conundrum. I have to have them around here somewhere, right? My God. Gr...

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

What an... eventful... Monday.

Hmm, hey I may be a loser. I may not be able to pursue some things, but hey, I'm not a shallow loser.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

*WARNING: STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS AHEAD, MY MIND ON PAPER*

Is it just me or does the site look a little.. different? Something is wrong with the format I think. Can't quite place it... eh, who knows.

How lovely a three day weekend is. Really, we should have more of these. I admit looking forward to the next one a bit more though, seeing as I won't have those stressful exams looming upon.

Ah, it keeps hitting me, about how many programs my PC is now missing. Argh, I go and try to do something, and I simply can't, it's driving me nuts.

Please tell me I'm still a teenager.

Silly things don't matter. Trite. Contrived even.

Yo, good things happen to those who wait, eh?

Somehow I doubt, but can nevertheless hope.

(Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water) This is where I grind my teeth at my frustration.

Scary Movie 3. Eh. I was hoping for better, where was K Smith's input?

Where are you now?

Fa           m
?
   emakes
!
up
:
 PART OF
in            FAAAAMMMM
(ous)

Doesn't it?

Bah, I tried Eye Toy as a web cam, bah, no luck.

Not that I have anyone to web cam with.

So, I'll do some movies soon.

Half of what I say is meaningless. French women and seashell eyes. (windy smile_)

Bah. Not me. Heh. Not me.

(But everyone knew her as Nancy)

_WHY MY HERO IS ROCKY RACOON_

I find it funny how I would never fight for what I love. [ilovewhatlovesme] Not fight against, fight to save, I mean, I mean, I mean, fight to obtain.

I would never fight to obtain what I love.

Ha!

{Wood eye fite to kepe iT1111111111///]

Doubtful.

it=whatilove

Modern worries, what a joke..

Oh no I did it again.

;_;

Remember the day when I would log online, and be flooded with messages?

whywhywhydoyousaygoodbyegoodbye

Zeeky boogy doog!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(can't fail)_

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds = Lucy Sky Diamonds = LSD

:-)

Looking glass ties? Not sure, I get that one. Kaleidoscope eyes. Oh.

Ah, look at ALL the lovely people....

IF WE WANT WHAT WE CAN'T HAVE, WHAT DO YOU WANT WHEN YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING?

Deny me something.

I may come off as conceited and pretentious as heck................. but I don't care.

I'm stopping here, because it doesn't matter. I'm missing an important part that denies me a lot.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

I hate having to erase my computer. Format everything, even if I can back the important stuff up, it's just such a hassle. Sorry about the lack of updates, expect more regular ones now.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

So, is it more important to try and change the world, or to try and let the world change you...? (In Soviet Russia...)

I'm a funny guy. I mean funny weird, not funny 'haha.' I've come to that conclusion. I wonder what my real counterpart would be like...

Hold on. You have to slow down. You're losing it. You have to take a breath. Listen to yourself. You're connecting a computer bug I had with a computer bug you might have had and some religious hogwash. You want to find the number 216 in the world, you will be able to find it everywhere. 216 steps from a mere street corner to your front door. 216 seconds you spend riding on the elevator. When your mind becomes obsessed with anything, you will filter everything else out and find that thing everywhere.

The more I think about it, the more true it becomes (or is that self-reference?) You think about anything enough, and you start to see it everywhere. You find a particular shade of purple you like, and everywhere you look, you see that colour. You laugh about always seeing 12:34 on a clock, and you'll always see it.

You think about one person so much (for reason you can't comprehend) you see that person more often.

We are ALL a bit egotistical in our own heads, no? I mean that's okay right? To think we are better than we are? Delusions of grandeur are okay, confined in the cerebellum.

I have the feeling that  I will never be able to accomplish anything by myself. I am like the ultimate accessory, the supreme addition, that mod you add that makes your car go twice as fast, but doesn't do crap by itself. Perhaps an analogy to my life. I mean, I can't... argh.

Why do trivial things seem to matter so much sometimes?

Angst, I found a way of taking it out, unfortunately it's not as quite as safe as my former way, origami, was. In fact it's not safe at all, and expensive too, I think I'll stop.

I wouldn't really mind seeing RotK again. Maybe I'll sit way to the right this time.

! Argh !

You think about something too much, and...

Sometimes apples and oranges make a good combination...

Maybe you don't always want what you can't have. Maybe you want to want what you can't have, and when you can have it, you still pretend you can't, in order to sustain that want all humans have, and you fool yourself into thinking you are the want that people can't have at the same time, building a careful balancing act, that in all realization has no solid base. *deep breath* Yeah...

I could never be everyone else.

http://home.comcast.net/~alanweiss3/dwedit/flash/suzukisan.html

It's good to know there are still weirder people out there.

Oh and this is pretty funny -> http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/wwn/20031204/107055000003.html

End

Sunday, December 21, 2003

A song, with a few modifications I made:

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so very special

But I 'm a creep, I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

I don't care for love, I want to have control
I don't need a perfect body, I don't need a perfect soul
But I still want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special

She's running out again
She's running out ....

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here.

It's a funny thing, these recent times.

Nein. No. No. Nein.

Let me get out of the way, the obvious: Return of the King rules. I doesn't matter who you watch it with, what angle your neck is at, how much money you spend, it's worth it. It's that good. I'd see it a third time, and I don't think I've ever seen a movie in the theatre a third time. It just has cool dripping all over it. Now the in your face cool that Tarantino uses, that's more of a stylish cool, I considered RotK to have an awe-inspiring cool. Then again, you get the fleeting feeling afterwards that no other movie will ever match up again. I mean this is it. This is the first big hill on the roller coaster, it's all downhill from here.

You gotta wonder how music started. Some cave man beating his animal in rhythm, maybe he noticed it sounded different when he hit the ground, or hit the animal, and refined it. Either way you have to be amazed at today's music. No matter how poppy or how bubblegum, it's all quite complex. human progression is so interesting.

I don't think I've ever had such an eventful week before. Monday was rather, normal, I suppose, but after that... let's see the big LotR marathon was Tuesday night. (I know I'm blogging, oh well) Richie and I left school at 3pm, and I got home, oh about 4:30 am. Yes, it was good, and watching all three in a row was definitely an experience. (And with Bilbo in the audience!) So Wednesday, Anthony was back in school, fun to see him again. Either way, that was a weird day, I had like no sleep, yet I had more energy than  can remember in recent times.

Of course, I go and fall asleep as soon as  get home for a good healthy 13-14 hours of sleep. Thursday, bowling. I bowled what had to be the worst three games ever. What's with THAT? Oh well, that's the least important thing on my mind, it was fun. (great fun) Afterwards was quite fun too, and I'll never forget the sound the lake made when you through the ice, that was really weird. But, then I had to squeeze out that report when I got home though, how disappointing.

You know, I can kind of relate to Frodo. How do you go back to living an old life? You can't. Time moves forwards, not backwards, progression is mandatory people change. You know, maybe I do too.

I guess I might as well finish out the week. Friday, what a lazy day in school, (AHH Radiohead is such a weird band) but afterwards was great fun. A party I originally had a few reservations about at first ( I didn't know any of the people REALLY well) turned out to be the most fun I've had in a decent while. Saturday, ah what a day. Too much of a day. How did 10 people end up going? That's quite a number, and while most of them were cool and all, I can't help but get annoyed at a few people. Then again I was watching RotK, and like I said, is worth putting up with anything. I spent close to $40 there too, but admittedly, I only wished I could have done more. I better be rich when I grow up, or my generosity is going to break me. Ah well, I'll get over people, and it only reinforces my ideas of how I like smaller groups better than larger ones (or maybe I'm just with the wrong people- no, that's rude, Kellen).

So now it's Sunday, I've been driving people around all day, and I'm sitting here, typing this, contemplating on driving to Vogelweh to see The Last Samurai. Do I really need to see another movie? Maybe I should save some for my Dad's house? Do I really want to drive anymore?

I finally get why 2 + 2 = 5 . Of course. The sum is always more than the parts.

Then again, maybe I don't change. Really. I mean all of those old thoughts, on how I'd much rather see two people happy then myself, because of that net gain, still reside heavily. Maybe I'm just conceited in a modest sort of way. 

Monday, December 15, 2003

Don't snow. Don't snow. Don't snow. Please. Don't snow. If you snow now, I will kill you for every snowflake that drops. IF the roads are icy tomorrow morning and I cannot get out of my house, and watch LotR, I will... I will... I don't know what I'll do, it'll be something terrible. Something horrible. Like ask for an N-Gage for Christmas. *shudders* 

Okay, so stare at this and try not to go crazy http://www.genmay.com/misc.php?action=faq 


Limecat devours all who cast snow.

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself
Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes
It's a little secret, just the Robinsons' affair
Most of all, you've got to hide it from the kids

Coo, coo, ca-choo, Mrs Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
Going to the candidates debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo)
What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson
Joltin' Joe has left and gone away
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Nothing like waiting until the last minute to finish some things, right? 

A while ago, when I first got that bunch of CD's, when I went to talk about Radiohead's Hail to the Thief, I said how much I liked it, and how much it grew on me, but oddly enough, I never went on to look at Radiohead's OTHER (supposedly better) stuff. Silly me. Of course, since I'm typing this, I eventually, did, and let me say, they rock. Creep and Karma Police are awesome songs, I suppose I have more CD's to get.

Feed your head.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Hey, it's midnight, right?

I didn't even mention I finished Diary... what a blasphemous being I have become. It was... interesting. I mean, you always expect a twist at the end of Palahniuk's books, I mean you gotta (I still liked Choke's the best methinks). But this twist, didn't feel fair. Or maybe it was too fair, and not enough mystery. I don't know. It's not CLEAR. Not the kind of not clear that leaves you debating, but it's to the point, where you aren't sure what to debate.

It felt too contrived, too mass, poor Palahniuk, I'm sorry, I may not have liked this book as much (or maybe I loved it?). It doesn't matter, I still love his writing style, the useless trivia, the repeating motifs, the little bits of philosophy... great stuff.

I think I've stopped in the 60s. I mean when it comes to Rock music. I love the modern era. The White Stripes, The Strokes, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Matthews Band, Radiohead, Audioslave, even mainstream 'crap' like Evanescence, Linkin Park, and System of a Down. I love the 90s Good Metallica, Nirvana, early Korn, any bands I mentioned before that existed here). There isn't too much to love in the 80s, though, except REM, who rock. 70s picks up again, of course, hitting some awesome bands like The Eagles, Sex Pistols, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin. Finally you hit the 60s, with the almost perfect Beatles, and very awesome Jefferson Airplane, as well as the godly guitarist Jimi Hendrix.

You're not qualified!

Eh, so, I can still have opinions.

But before that, what have we got? Elvis... sorry, I don't care for him. I've tried, really, but I couldn't do it. Just doesn't do it for me. Buddy Holly? I mean I love his glasses, and I doubt cool bands like Weezer would be the same without him, but still... So I've stopped at that 60s, that's the wall.

Ah, I want to see Big Fish. Ah, I want to see Return of the King. Ah, I want... hey whoa there.

Am I the only one who thinks Free-Falling is an uber sad song?

Flowers on the wall. They don't bother me at all.

 :-(

But they do.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I'm going to be.

Isn't funny, how humans seem to be the only ones to wallow in their own misery? Is that something you gain through evolution, self pity?

Think about it, if we have emotions, lesser life forms don't experience, is it possible that through further evolution we will gain more? If an ant can't love, and a dog can't be embarrassed, maybe humans can't... Something to chew on I suppose, and this is my idea, not something I read. I still have some left I suppose.

Okay, have you ever noticed how you meet the same people wherever you go? Being a military child, I understand this well. At every school, you have the same people, almost to the T. Often if you can find out who one person is like, you already know enough about them. You may already know their favourite bands, their favourite movies. It's creepy, but pretty darn reliable.

Yet, almost everyone LOOKS different. You'd be hard pressed, outside of a twin, to find someone who looks just like someone else. I mean of course, it would be weird, if everywhere you looked you saw the same palette of people, pasted over and over again, as if God got lazy and didn't want to design anymore people. The same 20 people. Over and over. Yet, that IS what happens, not in looks but in personalities, you seem to have the same 20 people. Imagine if you saw on the outside, how people were in the inside, there would be so many look a likes! It would be hard to tell them apart.

So often, we judge people by what we CAN see. If someone loves Sci Fi films, plays lots of Computer Games, wears thick glasses, and makes straight A's. (Hold on, I have a point eventually), then probably can make some more judgments on him/her, and be generally correct.

BUT, what if this person existed in the 1200s, without technology? Without mass education? Is it possible that the same person would have become a great blacksmith, or farmer? I mean, though, that wouldn't be the same person, it would be a new, different person. Because those things, films, games, technology, are there, they shape this person into a stereotypical mold, and spit him/her out.

Now wouldn't it be cool to say, I am George Lucas, I inspired tons of people to be different people than they would have, and become nerds instead. I am Bam Margera, I inspired many people who may have been your normal stoners, to instead become part of this Jackass nation, inventing entire new stereotypes?

Wouldn't that be neat? I would love to invent/create something that creates another stereotype, therefore diversifying our culture. You can create new things, and create new people at the same time.

I don't know if I should let this out, but I've begun classifying people. I'm coming up with the classification areas as I go, but it's coming together pretty well. Maybe it's just another thing to try and understand myself (isn't everything?). So far, you are either low dependent, high dependant, or independent, as well as active, or passive.

I guess it's pretty self explanatory. I consider myself active independent. I am pretty freakin' stable, it's tough to change me anymore. I'm like a bad rock that won't chisel anymore, but occasionally decides to shed a bit by itself. Although I admit to being a bit passive high dependent sometimes..

LDA/LDP - A low dependent person means you are dependent on other people as leaders. You need direction, and need to follow. This allows you time to relax and not make decision choices, and yet still be accepted. I feel most people are this. An active low dependent person often is the trouble maker, never wanting to lead, but always wanting the 'group' to do what they want. A passive one, is just kind of there. Sheep. They pretty much agree with the group (or at least pretend to) and usually idolize someone.

HDA/HDP - A high dependent person is dependant on people as followers. They differ from purely independent people because, without someone else around, they are nothing. They are the best leaders though, because they know they need others, and therefore listen to others, try to keep them. How they do this though, is dependent on whether they are active or passive. Active people are the most outgoing of all. They know how to pick friends out, and attack people with vigor. I'd say Hitler was active, commanded people through force, telling them what to do, using power. Any president though, has been passive, as they (are supposed to) listen to people, and get things going, as a group process. They are fine just being a figure head.

IA/IP - An independent person, doesn't necessarily not have any friends, they just don't NEED them. (Oh, that sounds bad) They are quite competent on their own, and they would often make a decent leader, but just don't care enough to. Active ones, are strong set. Good luck breaking that barrier. Often it may be worth it *hint?* but it may prove to be too difficult. They evolve entirely on their own, separate from the rest of the species. Passive ones, I'd say are simply the quiet, stereotypical kids in the back of class. They often don't have friends (or many close ones), because they don't know how to (they are independent not by choice) Unlike the active ones, they are usually not good choices as leaders, as they make very few decisions, and have little opinion on most matters. I'd say though, it may be tough to tell the difference between an active and a passive independent,  as either could put on a facade. 

Of course you can't lump everyone into categories so easily, but then again, I kind of have. 

Let's say you have a group of 10 friends. Chances are you have exactly 1 HDA, the 'leader'. Often, you also have exactly 1 IA, usually best friends with that 1 HDA. They may be the right hand man of the lead, the power behind the thrown. Quite often, also the most liked person, the anyone could deal with. That's 8 left. You may have 1-3 HDP. These people are kind of the generals to the emperor. They may have bit of an ego, but go along grudgingly with what the HDA decides. They also may be head of their mini groups, their two best friends and them, out of the 10. Now you have 5-7 left. This is a mix of LD's. Whether they are P or A doesn't seem to be important. Rarely is there an IP in the group, unless either the HDA or the IA made friends with one.

The funny thing I've noticed is that a LOT of the time, if the HDA and the IA come into conflict, the group is almost always more willing to follow the IA, for some reason. They almost take on a leader-like position most of the time, but never out of their choice.

This is just stuff I've slapped on random papers over the past few days though, don't take any of this seriously. Or do, see if I care. I'm sure you'll have no trouble classifying yourself.

Old music, inventing people, and classifying people.

Wow, I haven't had an update this big in a while. Three big subjects hit. Good for me. Or bad, because last time I did a lot on my site, often, I was in a miserable state. Oh well.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

We all have weird dreams, right? I email, it happens. They don't MEAN anything. It's trickery.

I mean, even if it's the kind of dream that leaves you shaking for hours on end afterwards. Paranoia. Maybe it wasn't just a dream.

I mean, well I don't know what I mean.

Not the kind of dream that fades away after a few minutes, hours. The kind that stays in your mind. I don't remember the beginning all that well... a concert? (With clowns? Was it like ICP or something?) The senior class. Some kind of drug. A French hotel diner. Those people. The conversations. The *doesn't mention that part*. The stairs! OH MY GOD! The stairs. That had to be the scariest moment of my sleeping life. It like brings tears to my eyes, ah I can't explain it. It's even worse then those stupid reoccurring AI dreams I had...

I have to laugh at myself, how silly. Hey, it only means I have to experience something enjoyable, right?

In other news, I have a car! Go me! I can drive stick!

Yeah, okay I'm still wierded out, later.

Sunday, December 7, 2003

***SUPPLEMENT***
:-O Oh my.

http://www.1up.com/article2/0,4364,1405493,00.asp

*Kicks Vivendi*

How DARE they!? That's treading on sacred ground, ole' buddies. I mean, that really make me- *gets dragged back into White Rabbit*

***/SUPPLEMENT***

Rarely would I describe a song as 'overwhelmingly powerful', but jeez, louise...

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head" 

At about this point, you faint, and fall over. My guess is this is a major trip song, or something.

Friday, December 5, 2003

No, Save the Population, is an awesome, awesome, awesome song. 

THAT is why RHCP is still my favourite band.

Okay, so I went to school early, in order to work the school store, let's say I got there at 7:40 am. I only just left School, working first, the school store again, and the basketball games, as of 10:30 pm. I didn't really get paid for all that. MY legs hurt, as I never took a break, and hardly ever sat down. I didn't really have anyone to talk to except for various parents. Yet... I didn't mind one bit. I got in the car afterwards, pumped.. (guess which song)... and drove home singing. Fine. Crazy, eh?

Oh and www.nolegs.com is almost at a functioning state, check it out.

Thursday, December 4, 2003

Save the Population is such a cool song.

*goes braindead*

Tuesday, December 2, 2003

Whoa, look at this! I just found this out today, and I made my statement yesterday about Evangelion, totally unknowing:

Originally Posted by Mainichi Shimbun, Japan, Dec. 2 2003
YAMAGATA -- A man accused of beating his mother to
death with a baseball bat was influenced by a cartoon
that made him believe humans were unnecessary beings,
prosecutors told the Yamagata District Court on Monday.

In opening statements at the trial of Hiroyuki Tsuchida,
22, prosecutors claimed that watching the science-fiction
cartoon "Neon Genesis Evangelion" had made Tsuchida
believe a phrase in it that said, "The ultimate conclusion
of (human) evolution is ruin."

He also came to believe that humans were unnecessary
beings who were destroying the world's environment, and
in turn began to want to kill people, prosecutors said.

They said the man fatally smashed his mother in the head
with a baseball bat at about 2 p.m. on June 25, thinking
that if he killed family members he would not hesitate
when murdering others.

A representative of Gainax, the firm involved in writing
and producing the cartoon, said it did not think the
content of the cartoon was related to the killing.
(Mainichi Shimbun, Japan, Dec. 2, 2003)

Okay...

Monday, December 1, 2003

0_o

It's December.

Anyway, Evangelion is a bad, bad, bad, bad, anime. 

Argh, what is it with me? I'm, like, odd. There really is no one else like me. I hope not. I'd feel bad for them. I was trying to imagine myself with initiative, and that's scary. I could do anything. Perhaps that's the reason I don't pursue such a path.

For some reason, this 1and1 thing is oddly difficult. NoLegs will be up eventually I suppose. 

Sunday, November 30, 2003

IN OTHER NEWS:

It has recently been discovered that typing www.nolegs.com into your hyperlink bar will, in fact, redirect you here. I purchased www.nolegs.com in hopes to create a separate site, dedicated to videos alone.

The problem is, when I went to go purchase webspace, the company tried to conivict me of credit fraud (wtf?) and wouldn't let me do anything. So now, I have a new web address, with nothing on it, but a redirect command. Woohoo.

I hope my videos will one day be as cool as Mega 64. It's like Jackass, but with videogame themes (The guy dressed up as Frogger, crossing the street is soo cool, as is the Ryo Hazuki guy)

---

Note: I finally got some new webspace, the site should now direct somewhere else.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Wait, the day hasn't changed.

So, I saw Master and Commander. No, I'm not talking about it right now, only stating that.

If an unexamined life isn't worth living, I might have to ask, what if life examines YOU? (In Soviet Russia...)

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

It's like natural instinct for me, whenever I get a new toy, to do as much as I can with it. Case in point: DVD burner. I got it in yesterday, and already I'm researching every big DVD burning program out there, seeing what is the best to author with, Burning DVDs, running benchmarks, and so on. I can't just have one, I have to USE it.

I cant seem to do exactly what I want though (make a DD out of all of my videos) as the program I am using has to use the BEST quality, which results in a measly 60 minutes of footage. Supposedly I should be able to get 3 hours at a 'good' setting, but the program is being stubborn, and any other program simply doesn't accept .wmv formats. (and i can't find a simple program to convert them either!?) 

Ah yes, so still sick. That's no fun. Anyway I see that the LotR trilogy is playing at the Kino, all three in a row, on December 16th, starting at 4pm. Hmmmmm....

Upon the happenings of the day (which I rarely seem to touch on anymore), I slept. Yup that's about it. Between the babysitter, bugging me about something, or Emily wanting to play Xbox, I slept. 

I'm not sure why I typed that, but I did. Yeah, so...

A little while ago, when I was touching about Physicists obsession with the obvious, I made a specific hypothesis,   I bet, in fact, EVERYTHING is a wave and a particle. If it is obviously one, then maybe on a precise enough measuring scale, it is also the other. I'd bet money, that if I threw a baseball (in a vacuum...) it would have a small amount of waver to it, even though it may appear to go straight. Of course, I go on to read basically the same thing, written by someone else. Just another testament to the fact that every thought worth thinking, has already been thought. Sigh.

Also it seems a lot of my videos have been circling around in random message boards (including one entirely in Spanish, and a Japanese one?) I think that's cool.

I am trying to purchase some more space and a new domain name, but the company I'm working with, isn't working with me. Let's hope they straighten out their act soon. (I bought www.nolegs.com, isn't that a cool name? There isn't a site there yet though, don't bother)

Reading through my old updates (NOSTALGIA!!!!!!!) I found something I couldn't help but laugh at...

(On other people driving in Germany)

Does riding another car make you feel better, faster, stronger? Does passing another car on a two lane road the width of one tire, make you superman? Silly people, whatever happened to the 'one car length per 10 mph' rule? Because they have the metric system, and have no clue what a mile is, do they decide that it was a stupid rule of thumb anyway?

Ell. Oh. Ell.

Jeez I hate myself for the things I haven't done. For the things I ignored. For the things I waited too late to start. For the things I missed.

Bah. BAH. Behebeheah.

So, yeah...

I am such a... I can't find the word, but whatever it is, I am such one.

Ah, sorry, I start reading my old updates, and I can't stop.

Hey Kellen, Strom Thurman died today.
Really?
Yeah, in his sleep I guess.
Wow, I can't believe he died.
What do you mean? He was like a hundred years old, it was coming soon.
I know, I just sort of assumed he was immortal at this point.

Ahh, I love my Dad's place, it's so, stress free. It's ike a dream the entire time I'm there. A place that doesn't really exist. I'd never have to drink away my problems, just go to my Dad's house.

I think I'd make an awesome mafia boss. I could run the business. I'd be like, "Yeah, kill him! Send him to sleep with the fishes!" and they'd be like "But he's already dead!" and I'd be like, "Yeah, but kill him anyway, just to see if two deaths make a life!" My crime name would be No Cares Kellen, and everyone would revere me!

Or something. 

Wow, it's late.

Oops.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Rain, rain, go away, come back another day. 

What's up with me? I keep getting sick, this is not cool. 

Yeah so anyway, I got a DVD burner, isn't that cool?

Let's see how many sentences I can end with cool.

The wall... it's moving...

Friday, November 21, 2003

So, what else is new? I mean BESIDES being deathly ill the last few days, watching a weird German band cover YMCA as loud as they can, getting anew pair of glasses (3-4 years!?) that let me pull of Chester from Linkin Park in the Somewhere I Belong video perfectly.

I mean BESIDES watching FotR and TTT Extended editions back to back, watching the entire The Street Fighter movie quadrilogy, finally finishing Ear and Loathing,  and watching a slew of other movies.

I mean BESIDES those new Xbox game, books, music CD's...

Yet so much is still new (and even more old, because, yeah something cool here)

I've noticed I started to stray a bit from my morals. I have only three that I abide by, let me reaffirm.

No cussing. Only exception is when I am quoting something already said.
No lying. You don't do this, and nothing else is much of a problem.
No calling people by their last names alone. I find that rude.

Yeah, okay that's a slim list, but that's the only three I stick to very faithfully. Usually. I mean nothing is black and white, and if I say I had 102.9 fever when I really had 102.8 is that lying? (I don't remember what I had actually but I think it was near 103 for a while. Then again I COULDN'T SEE STRAIGHT)

I want to type, but I just remembered. I have work.

AHHHH!!! ITIS A TIME OF REGRET AND REMORSE!

yeah...

Monday, November 17, 2003

I'm probably countless months late, but I noticed Gary Oldman is going to be Sirius Black.... I LOVE THAT GUY! Wasn't I just talking about him in True Romance? (as Drexl) I watched the teaser trailer, and I must admit... I'm excited. I'm still burned by Matrix Revolutions, but let's hope RotK can pick me back up again, traveling to Kill Bill Part II and on to Azkaban, for a nice trio of, dare I say, predestined classics. The death eater looks cool, and Draco is seriously looking old... (Is that Origami he was making?) I don't rememeber the book all that well though (not surprising considered I read the first three in three days...)

On another note, Elf topped Master and Commander in the box office. Weird.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Silly me.

I know better than to write on my site right now, this is the time all these weird things come flowing from my brain to my fingertips (at 180 mph no doubt).

The truth is, I have written this already, but much like when you watch a movie you haven't seen in a few years, those fleeting feelings come back, after I haven't given serious consideration to a thought for a few months.

The truth is, this site is censored. When it comes to my thoughts, only those of the abstract or meaningless quality make the cut, while the rest is repressed. I cannot talk about some things, as it goes against my moral of not hurting anyone's feelings, to the best of my abilities. Things have happened, that may never be recorded, lost perhaps, when I inevitably develop Alzheimer's. 

I am the poster boy for America. My qualm today is with my own originality. Or lack thereof. It's as though, I don't have any. 

But Kellen, you are creative beyond belief. These things you come up with, everything.

But, my little angel, you only see the end product. My problem is not with my own creativity, I am chock full of that, man, it's with my originality. 

I am the best supporting actor that never was.

I am only the equation of the variables around me.

I am gifted. I am gifted with the ability to pick and pull things I have absorbed, and mix them so finely, I create masterpieces.

Okay, that's a little far, but suspend that belief.

All my writings, all that fiction, none of it is mine. I did not plagiarize, but the writing style is Palahniuk's. It's DeLilo's. It's Hemingway's. It's Tarantino's.

The story, the characters, they are all inspired by things I have seen in real life, in movies, I have read. My stories are the best hits of the genre. (Kept within a certain theme of course)

I am not a person by myself. I cannot act, only react. When I say I have no initiative, I mean that in the strictest sense. (strictest sense? suspend that belief, lack thereof? I speak in cliches, for goodness sake)

Sure I may be funny. Witty. Without the straight man to play against, though, I am not. Everything that I could do to garner a laugh, would be either a response, or the retelling of a story. 

Then again, I've said this before too.

I am good at what I do though. I am pretty darn good. I know what fits. If I make a movie, I know exactly what music needs to be where. I know how to characterize. I understand when something is funny, and have that punch line down perfect. Where is that initiative though?

What friend have I made, that I talked to first? How come I only talk to people who talk to me?

I have to admit, I always find the questions more exciting than the answers.

I hope, that in my life time, I can do one thing. Come up with one original thing. It doesn't necessarily have to be important per se, but original. While putting puzzle pieces from everything together, I find a hole, and fill it in with my own creation. Out of the thousands of things I create, one thing will be original, and cannot be traced back to some internet joke I once saw, some Lynch movie, some Farside comic or some scientific theory. My goal in life isn't t get married, have three kids, and grow old, I want something original done. Everything else is backseat. Perhaps in the 110,000+ words I have written on the main sections of this site (that's what Word says... wow), one thing is not a quote, is not simply an observation of something or a reaction to something, but a thing in and of itself, totally, and completely original.

If I felt like it, I could go on and on about this pseudo-intellectual exploration of a statement such as, "What is original?" But I don't and I won't. That is soooo High School philosophy. Those silly AP kids who think they really are something at the age of 17.

Oh but wait, I did have an idea (original?)

I forgot about that.

In brief it requires a 16-17 year old boy, who is good looking, and up one teenage culture, as well as having a great sense of film making (or at least workable) It's perfect! America would eat up a 17 year old director. (Time is running way too short, so I speak not of myself) It is the youth obsessed culture we live in, with young stars, young singers. Think about it. At the same time, teenagers are becoming a little smarter, or at least they realise not everything is done by the actors, and all we need is that kid to symbolize directing. Tarantino is awesome. He really is a Rolling Stone of a director, teenagers love him, and he's, what, 42? So much marketing possibility.

And that's only the brief of it.

Oh! And I had this really cool idea for a film (or short) where I can EXPLAIN the camera. I mean, Fight Club is a masterpiece, but really, there just happens to be a cameraman everywhere something interesting happens? I want to be able to explain that... heh.

I do have good ideas. I don't know what I was talking about before. I'm still BETTER at mixing things though. Yeah...

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Scientists make everything so difficult. I mean (how often do I use that in a given entry?) when something simple comes around, it's big news. I basically read 20 pages in a philosophy book telling me that I know I'm not dreaming, because I know what it is like to dream, and therefore make that distinction. In this Physics book I'm reading it tells me over and over again, that Quantum Physics predicts PROBABILITIES not ACTUALITIES. I got it the first time; this constant reiteration is not needed. 

It's the simplest things that stir up big waves, and when something really complex comes around (read: Relativity, read: quantum theory) it's blasted around for at least a decade before it's accepted. They are so freaking meticulous. 

My gripe is how this whole light is a wave/particle thing is handled. I keep reading how something cannot be a particle and a wave, but yet light is. X-Rays are. But this cannot be. But it is. But this cannot be. But this is... argh. What's the big deal? Since when is ANY WAVE not also a particle? When is someone with a real voice in the matter going to ask that question?

The most basic wave, is that of a wave in the ocean. A wave is a made up of drops of water (molecules of H20, so on...) so it's a wave and a collection of molecules. I bet, in fact, EVERYTHING is a wave and a particle. If it is obviously one, then maybe on a precise enough measuring scale, it is also the other. I'd bet money, that if I threw a baseball (in a vacuum...) it would have a small amount of waver to it, even though it may appear to go straight. And don't give me that, 'the individual parts must be smaller than their wavelength' crap, because electrons are much bigger than their wavelengths most of the time. 

Ah! And Schrodinger Cat! What the heck? Yet another common sense thing physicists seem to fall in love with. Yes, I understand it's implications, but I got it on pure deductive logic alone long before I heard of this stupid cat in a box analogy. (Although I do admit to enjoying the pronunciation of the name... Schrodinger... heh)

Yeah so anyway...

Oh, and let me state something, unrelated, for the record. I'm going to phrase it two ways, for the sake of self-quotability.

If you ever want to really learn anything, you must first try and teach it.

The one who learns most in the classroom, is always the teacher.

See the profundity! (No?) I have found the true path to education. Es en la profesora. I watched True Romance again, and if some one had told me that Tarantino directed it (not only wrote it I mean) I wouldn't have argued (if I didn't know otherwise). Tony Scott did such a spot on job, and Gary Oldman as Drexel > j00.

---

On another note, I have come to the conclusion that I am neither a pessimist, nor an optimist, simply a realist. 

Saturday, November 08, 2003

There was a huge influx of unique visitors yesterday, whereas my average is 43 a day, I had 117 yesterday, and it's not like I added anything or stuff. Odd.

Quantum theory has me confused though, as it tells you that nothing can be predicted, only probabilities can be set, and what happens within a probability is DETERMINED BY PURE CHANCE!?

So, in short, God is rolling dice. Yeah, I don't buy it.

Something cool: I have found that I can control my entire body temperature based on how my hands feel. If my hands are cold, I'm col,d and if htey are hot, I'm hot. Neato.

On a side note: I feel out of touch. WITH EVERYONE  It's not like I don't try, don't call, don't e-mail, it's just, like, not connecting. Ahhhh...

Anyway I guess I'm back on the job again tomorrow, finally some money! Woohoo! I could use it, with all the games coming out (College Kellen!) Oh yeah... that...

I don't believe in Calculus. No, it's not the class, I mean the basis of Calculus. Limits. I don't buy it. I mean, we proved Newton wonrg on so many levels, let's go all the way and say Calculus is wrong too (but by all means, like the rest of his stuff, let's keep using it, I mean, I'm no dummy, it works!) When time ends, and it will, Calculus is thus proven false. I don't care how many times the observation is correct, the theory is moot. All in all, I still don't believe .999... = 1. Mainly because you can't prove it. If you use limits, then you can prove it, yes, but limits are based on the fact that .999... = 1 basically, therefore is self reference, and using pure algebra you cannot use infinity, otherwise dividing by 0 wouldn't be such a problem. Ah, I'm only 17, I'm sure no one takes me seriously, and I doubt I'll holed these vies at the age of 23... but it's nice to know my mindset right now.

I've read too much math and science recently, I found the philosophy more interesting. Then again I can read both at one time!

Cogito, ergo  sum  doleo

People keep finding my site through this site--> http://members13.tsukaeru.net/bakudou/  what's up with that? The worst part is its the wrong link :-P

Oh, and, yes, I finally did get my Linux box up and running, but it's running Mandrake 9.1 which wouldn't accept my GeForce 2 at all (???) so, it's running on a sucky SiS integrate AGP 8mb card. Argh, it can't even run a decent emulator. I do have it running 24/7 on Overnet though, so it can download things, while I turn my other computers off, since that one is so quiet (and reliable) Also, I finally broke down, and couldn't take my computer (my main one) being so loud anymore so I removed the front fan. Now it's so much quieter, and still runs at the same temp, shoulda done that earlier, oh well.

I wish I was musically inclined, and wasn't so bad at directions. These things are really starting to hamper me. 

Friday, November 07, 2003

So... Matrix Revolutions... oh how I don't understand thee.

So much potential in The Matrix, so much promise in The Matrix Reloaded, but what was done in Revolutions? Why do you not answer what the architect spoke of? Why do you not show the twins? Too many interesting characters, not brought to their potential (Trainman, Merovingian, Persephone, Seraph, and so on...)

Argh. Where was the twist? The surprise? I hate you, Wachowski Brothers.

*Patiently awaits RotK and KB2 while going to see Matrix : Rev again, because, truthfully, it was worth watching*

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

This is me...

at my most...

...masochistic.

Monday, November 03, 2003

What I envisioned being, at most, a three hour job, of piecing together another computer and installing Red Hat 9.2 Linux, ended up being a three day job, with no less than 12 hours of straight work (and 5-8 hours of downloading).

All I can say is, that the world is coming to an end when you try to acquire a C++ compiler, but it turns out to be a source in which you need a C++ compiler to compile the C++ compiler. That kind of defeats the purpose.

So in the end, I was minus a video card, with Mandrake 9.1, doing nothing that I planned on originally doing.

(edit: I just got eMule working. So what if its CLI, it works! Now, if I can somehow get the GUI for Overnet working instead, Apache to cooperate, and figure out he snes9x code, I'll be set!

ADD:

I guess, if nothing else, I could at least document what I went through the last couple of days to get that thing working. For everyone else, just don't read this, you won't understand :-P

Anyway, I had enough misc. computer parts just lying around my room to build an entire new PC (granted, an old AMD-K6-2 475mhz, 192mb RAM, 8gb HD, GeForce 2 MX/MX400 PC) so I went to it. 

After a good hour or two of fiddling around with the millions of types of screws, and things, I finally plugged it in to see what happens... ( I had no idea what was on the HD) So, it shows the stupid BIOS embedded COMPAQ screen, and then...

LI

No! A screwed up Linux shell (with a LILO boot loader, obviously [anyway what else is there?]) was on there. No fun. I was thinking Win 98 or something was on there... oh well.

So I begin the arduous task of finding an OS before settling on Red Hat Linux 9.2, seeing as it is the most popular right now, and I had never tried RHL (only SuSe and Mandrake, and even then I never used the CLI really, and just fiddled around with the preloaded KDE and GNOME games). After, HOURS of downloading crap, I burned the 3 iso's to discs, took out the CD-Rom from my current PC (the one I just built only had a floppy, no CD), and booted it up.

Uh, that LI thing again. After fiddling around with cords, I figured it just didn't like to boot from the CD rom, so I went back to the family computer, adn downloaded a floppy boot disk. After messing around finding a program that reads and writes a .img file, I finally go tthat together and head back to the new, old PC.

It boots up, and after loading a nice Red Hat setup screen, it says it still cant find my CD Rom. I exchange some cords, and find that I had a faulty IDE cable, or something of the like, adn try again.

Boots from the CD, no need for the floppy. So I finally get the setup running on the CD. Here is the weird thing though, whenever i went to INSTALL from the CD, it didn't recognize it as a RHL install disc. (???)

After burning more CD's, trying swaps, exchanging cables, and getting generally angry, I talk to my best buddy, Google. 

Google says COMPAQ computers, adn CD-Roms, are problematic with RHL 9.2. Not 9.1 Not HP computers. COMPAQ. Out of all the possibilities. It recommends dumping the ISOs straight to the HD, and installing from there.

So that's what I do. Except, stupid me, didn't think. How will it install an OS n the HD if the thing it needs to read is on the HD? I'd need TWO hard drives. 

That just wasn't worth it.

Time to switch OS's. Really, if you can't get Red Hat, get Mandrake. Well, the problem is Mandrake just released 9.2 and everyone and there mom was downloading it, so I couldn't get a reliable connection after trying for a few more hours. After a while, I just d/l'ed 9.1, which was still recent, and burning that to a disc. 

Agh, I'm tired of typing, I'll finish tomorrow.

Monday, October 27th, 2003

Ever heard of BMW Films? Neither had I. But you should. And I should. Now I do.

See, I guess about two years ago BMW hired some people, some directors to film a few shorts for them (naturally featuring BMW vehicles), and while this may seem like a cheap scam (so it is) you may be disinterested until you hear some of the names involved. I cam across this while looking at Guy Ritchie's resume. Yes, Guy Ritchie directed a segment. Some other names: Ang Lee, Tony Scott, Ridley Scott, John Woo, DAVID FINCHER. Sorry, I love that guy. All you'd have to do is put Aronofsky and Tarantino up there, and it'd be a holy circle of directors. Nevermind, it IS a holy circle of directors. It also has some weird stars in the movies, like James Brown, Marilyn Manson, Madonna (guess which one), Don Cheadle, and more. Interesting stuff.

Oh come on, anything with Fincher's name must be gold.

So I watch them. Cool, I guess you can't really do TOO much with 8 minutes each, but still, it's interesting to see Ang Lee, Ritchie, Scott, etc... take on the same characters. I'm really surprised they didn't get Michael Bay for anything. Also, Fincher doesn't direct any of them, he just produced them, oh well. Speaking of Fincher, he dropped M:I 3. How unfortunate, I wonder what he'll go on to do now. *crosses fingers for a Palahniuk adaptation*

I obviously still have movies on the brain.

You know, I like Norah Jones. The music I mean. It's relaxing, but not annoying. It just makes me want to sleep. Ahh.. so soft...

*ahem*

Ah, yes, anyway.

I haven't watched Fight Club in like two months. Amazing.

*yawns* Okay, I have things to do...

Sunday, October 26th, 2003

Perhaps not everyday, but every other day is a lot better than once in a whenever, I suppose.

So, I saw Kill Bill again yesterday. Some of the camera shots truly amaze me. I can't wait for the DVD just so I can sit and watching the making-of featurettes it is bound to have. It was just as fun the second time around, as well, maybe even more so as I wasn't disappointed by the end anymore.  I just feel cooler after watching that movie. Some movies make you feel smarter, funnier, dumber, but this one just makes you feel cooler. 

We're all gonna be like three little Fonzies here, and what's Fonzie like? ... Correctamundo. We're gonna be cool.

Also we just had that senior, well, I wouldn't call it a picnic, but whatever you feel like calling it, it was certainly fun. I could certainly do more things with the senior class. Uhm... yeah.

No new movies tomorrow. I know I had this every Monday roll going, and I kind of just drop it. Well, then again you got THREE new ones last week, so you can't be too greedy, you know. Ah, what I wouldn't do to be a real film maker. I'd be like, Aronofsky, make an pseudo-intelligent indie (Pi), that really isn't smart, but is totally fake, and make everyone think I'm some sort of Einstein with a camera, and then go on to make the second best book-to-movie translation ever (Requiem for a Dream). Except, my movie would be smart, and not some gay blabber about the Fibonacci sequence in the stock market, or numerology deciphering Gods real 216-digit name. Really. The only cool thing about the movie, was the name, (the symbol Pi, not the word) and some of the camera shots. He probably wasn't even DP. I'd really hate Aronofsky, if everyone liked him, and I hadn't seen Requeim. But since I've seen Requiem, I can't help but almost worship the dude. Oh, and my second movie would be Palahniuk adaptation. Not Diary though, that wouldn't make all that great of a movie, and not Choke or Invisible Monster's, that'd be gross. I guess that leaves Survivor. 

No, my movies would be... they'd be... Tarantino meets Aronofsky meets Lynch meets Kevin Smith meets Nolan meets Kelly meets Ritchie meets Palahniuk (so what if he's not a director). Then again, that wouldn't make any sense. Lynch meets anyone would make any sense.

Actually, Lynch by himself doesn't make any sense. No matter how many times I try to swallow Mulholland Dr.

The more I think about it, the more Donnie Darko feels like a Lynch movie for teenagers, I mean, not a bad thing, but I wonder if I'll still love the movie in ten years, or think it to adolescent.

Movies, movies, movies. I have movies on the brain.

I think I'd be a gamer's voice in film though. No matter how hard they try, every game-to-film movie either sucks, or leaves the game's story back in St. Louis. I pat you on the back for trying, Paul Anderson, but, really, your movies are only decent. (Oh no, some internet loser talking smack about a director, how original) I know, I know, but really people are adapting the wrong movies. A Halo movie would be fun, but you'd need a HUGE budget. I think MGS has the best chance, but even then, you might as well let Kojima helm his own project. No, though, I give it a good 5 years before the equivalent of Spiderman to comic movies comes in videogames way. I'm too tired to make that sentence have any coherence.

Apparently, the governor on a Durango is at 117 mph.

Ah, I can't switch gears, I might as well stick to the movie theme of today.

There are a lot of big budget movies coming up in the next two months. I mean a lot of $100 million+ movies. Master and Commander, The Last Samurai, Return of the King, Matrix Revolutions, The Cat in the Hat, Timeline, The Haunted Mansion, Big Fish, and Peter Pan. I mean, really, that's about ridiculous. The worst is that none of these movies are going to top what Pirates or Finding Nemo made this year. 

Being bored, I went and looked at the current Las Vegas odds for Oscar winners (Best Picture)

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King 5/2
Mystic River 7/2
Cold Mountain 5/1
Big Fish 8/1
The House of Sand and Fog 10/1
Seabiscuit 10/1
Lost In Translation 12/1
Master and Commander: Far Side of the World 12/1
21 Grams 20/1
The Last Samurai 25/1
The Alamo 25/1
The Human Stain 25/1
The Missing 30/1
Finding Nemo 30/1
Kill Bill: Vol. I 40/1
Mona Lisa Smile 50/1

I wonder how these odds come about before a movie is even released. I'm surprised Pirates is even weighted, and that Big Fish and  Seabiscuit are so high. I don't know though, RotK needs to win, just on merit, but if I had money to bet, I'd put it towards MaC. (Have you seen the trailer!?)

Who knows, maybe Matrix 3 will blow us out of the water...

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Big update, well, not yet anyway, but there is so much I haven't covered recently, and I don't really have any good reasons why (what happened to every day, Kellen?)

First off, the videos section is now up to date, (yay!) with the 5 most recent videos now with their own sections, which brings the total to 31 movies. Wow, whodathunkit?

So, so, so. Quite amazing, I mean Kill Bill came out, and I only mentioned it in passing. I've had Diary for a while, and unlike previous Palahniuk books, I haven't rant and raved on my site about it (not because it's not good, just because I simply haven't) I finally finished all of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, a movie that will now become a victim of my quoting abilities. I've watched a bunch of old Kung Fu flicks, not the least of which is  'The Crippled Masters' (more later), and I've read a couple of screenplays. That's the kind of stuff I usually talk about, and yet... silence. 

Okay, so yeah, let's get this out of the way... Kill Bill.

Volume 1.

I admit, I was back and forth about the movie before hand. I had read almost half of the original script, and just wasn't impressed like I wanted to be. (Yeah, so it was Tarantino and I expect more out of him than even Palahniuk) Then again, he is a visual master, a director first, writer second, so I just kept in my mind, that anyone might be a but rusty coming out of a 6 year hiatus for ANYTHING. So, I upon rival to the movie theatre (at an admittedly higher speed on the autobahn than was probably necessary, consider I was an hour early) for the first show in all of Germany, I sat down and waited patiently..

I am now back in Tarantino-ass-kissing mode. Wow, just, wow. What a visual masterpiece this movie is to behold. Audio masterpiece. Okay, so the story is cliché, but of course it is, it's Tarantino, he takes these clichés and injects speed into them or something. I can even begin to say how good this movie really was. Yes it was gory. Really. Really. Really. Gory. I mean blood, and body parts EVERYWHERE. It was fun though. The action sequences were such campy fun. I'd see it again. I can't really recommend it to everyone, but I'm sure if you like film, you'll see this regardless. 

What really caught me, though, was the use of the sound in it. The whole movie played so perfectly to the sound. I mean, it was a giant music video ala Charlie's Angels 2, but it welded it all together. From the opening Nancy Sinatra song to Mountain Snake's whistle, to the the Whoohoo by the 5.6.7.8.'s, it was just so... cool sounding. Ah, I can't really explain this movie, you have to SEE it.

Diary.

It felt different. I mean, it was a major departure from what Palahniuk usually did, but it kept the trademark noir humour all the way. I loved it. I won't really go into detail right now, because it's not totally clear in my head for some reason, but it had one of the best twists since Fight Club. It was better than Lullaby, Choke, and Invisible Monsters, but not Fight Club or Survivor. I don't even know why I liked Survivor so much, I just did.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003 

Eh, the formatting is much, much nicer on the base file, I promise. Oh, and this isn't a work in progress, it's finished, just not all HERE.

SCENE 1 - CLASSROOM



PAN ACROSS CLASSROOM. 

In the empty classroom is where you see TEACHER quietly doing
paper work, and PETER tapping the desk, slouched in seat. On
the board, I.S.S. is written.



AFTER SLOW PAN, ZOOM INTO A CU OF PETER.

PETER gets agitated, and raises shoulders.

PETER
You know, yes I attempted to steal
the test, but I never actually...

TEACHER
Mr. Madison, are we going to have
this discussion every day for the
next two months?

PETER lets out a sigh, and drops shoulder in defeat.

PETER (V.O.)
Life sucks. Of course, to continue
this cliche, I'm going to have to
go back. Let's start with...

FADE TO:



SCENE 2 - WALK



A WALKING SHOT OF PETER, START WITH CU OF FEET SLOWLY ZO TO
FULL BODY SHOT.

PETER is walking down a very crowded hallway, but has no
trouble getting through it.

PETER (V.O.)
Me. My name is Peter Madison. And I
owned this school



FREEZE FRAME. 
('Come Together' by the
Beatles starts playing.)

The words 'The Job' appear to indicate the piece's title.
Opening credits follow, white over black text, NOT
superimposed.

PETER (V.O.)
People came to me for everything. I
was there connection from bubble
gum to homework, to any computer
file and more, if you had the
money, I had the item...

PETER continues down hallway, while various students, and
even a teacher come to him, for a quick exchange of money,
and sometimes an item, whether it's a piece of paper, or a
computer disc. Music continues to play until the last credit
has rolled.

PETER (V.O.)
...Teachers who did know didn't
bother me, because I scratched
their back. Those who didn't know I
made pretty sure it'd stay that
way.



FOCUS ON STUDENT 1 APPROACHING, THEN PULL BACK FOR A DOUBLE
HEADSHOT OF PETER AND STUDENT 1

STUDENT 1
Nice Tuesday we're having, eh?

PETER
Cut the crap, you got my stuff?

STUDENT 1
Yeah I got it, here's ya homework,
got the disc?

PETER stops and looks disgusted.

PETER
Don't ever ask me that. Of course I
do.

PETER hands STUDENT 1 a disc.

Monday, October 20th, 2003 

Hey, yeah, so I lose internet for a week. Quite the loss of equilibrium.

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Must. Not. Rant. About. Kill. Bill. Volume. One.

Okay, that's for later, the updates from now on WILL COME POURING IN! I swear, they will. Really.

For now, three new movies:

http://www.e-conundrum.com/kungfu.wmv
http://www.e-conundrum.com/avalon.wmv
http://www.e-conundrum.com/heaven.wmv

Yeah. Kill Bill rocks. Big time. Must see it again. Best movie of the year. And Matrix 3 and LotR 3 aren't even out yet. And it's only half a movie.

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003 

Maybe life is just like the three laws of thermodynamics. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't get out of the game.

Sad day. Goodbye Holly and Mike Wirth (look your name is on there now!) We'll see you again sometime.

Sunday, October 12th, 2003 

Sorry for the inherent lack of updates.

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be, So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane, All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best, The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us, The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...!@#$%
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003 

Slacker. Me. Yes. Slacker. It is a word I will call myself.

Okay, so really, how HARD is it to open up Frontpage, and type a paragraph or five each day? Even if I just copy and paste what I've already said on LUE today. This is for ME, this is for YOU. Daily. Daily. Maybe I will burn it into my forehead.

Ouch, that'd hurt.

So, yeah, neurotic Kellen... yeah... 

I can't talk normal anymore. It's not a stutter it's like, well it's like Brad Pitt's character in Twelve Monkeys. It's that "I'm so excited to have reached bottom" motif. I have so much hand movement, and flailing around, I put Jack Sparrow to shame, when I talk. I don't just blab anymore, I teach. It's like everything I say is important (or I at least act like it is) and I have to teach someone something. 

So, imagine yourself a year from now, I ask myself. What will I be doing? Who will I care about? Where will I be?

I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!

So I've listened to the same song for two days now.  I just put it on repeat, and let it go. Over. Over. Over. it's like a ticking clock, only tha thte seconds are 3 minutes long. 

A Perfect Circle - The Nurse Who Loved Me

Listen to that song, and know you are listening to the same thing I, Kellen Bloomer, am listening to. I guarantee you, that you will not like this song, however. When I say you, I mean everyone who reads this. All 5 of you.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.. hey, uh...

So I watched Goodfellas. And Scarface. And Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Goodfellas ROCKED. Well, the ending was, ehhh, but the movie was awesome. Scorsese is still my hero.

Scarface is overrated. Don't get me wrong, it was a decent movie, but it's not the best gangster film to ever grace the silver screen, as so many people seem to believe all of a sudden (because a few rappers think so, how freakin' American).

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, however, may just be the coolest movie ever made. Terry Gilliam. The same guy who made 12 Monkeys. The same guy who directed all the Monty Python's, is a genius. Johnny Depp is the second best actor ever. Benicio Del Toro also rocks many pairs of socks. 

I know I haven't said anything. I know that I have just relatively blabbed the last few sentences, but maybe, maybe that's all I can do right now.

New movies:
http://www.e-conundrum.com/spider.wmv 
http://www.e-conundrum.com/phone-pt1.wmv 

Sunday, October 5th, 2003 

Homework! Homework! Homework!

Hmm, Phone video. Cool. Not yet. 

Friday, October 3rd, 2003 

So, I went to a Greek restaurant during school today, for AP English. Never had lamb before, but now that I have, I would definitely consider getting it again. Quite good. In fact, really good. I was disappointed in my (our) project though. We knew the material, we just didn't present it in a creative way (shoulda done the Talk show thing on improv, like i said... oh well...)

I now have Primal Fear, Rosemary's Baby, Goodfellas, and Chinatown to add to my movie list. They are coming in quicker than I can watch them. Maybe one day I'll get around to watching The Godfather Part II and III. Or maybe not, who knows. Seven days until Kill Bill. Which comes out the day before the SAT's. Darn, no midnight showing for me. Last practice test I took online, I got a 760 on the Verbal section. Cool, cool, but my math only came in at 720, lower than it was last year, so, I'll just have to work on that. (Yeah, I know, a 1440, who's to complain?)

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003 

Nostalgia is one of those annoying things. Events that remind you when times were simpler, or maybe just better. So I am sitting here, combing my room (which by the way, is full of more nostalgia than a 70s time capsule) and I hit a Magic card. I mean, that kills me. So I go on a quick trip to wizards.com and read about the latest set and it just makes me sad. I used to love Magic. Magic was my life. Everyday at lunch I would defeat any challenger, from my early days in Oklahoma against Lance or Ryan to my guru days in early Baumholder 9th-10th grade against Jamal, Jeremy, Kirk, Corey, that one guy that always cheated, Clint, Matt, and all of them. I hate to gloat, but I was the best. Old champs like Joel and Kirk could not touch me. Okay, so call me conceited, but this is how I remember it.

Then I just stopped. Cold Turkey. I got so into playing Type II it killed me when I had to dump my Masques cycle cards, so I just quit. I couldn't live without Blastoderm, and Nether Spirit. They were my life blood. Call me a freaking nerd, and see if I care at all, it was fun, and I have always done what's fun.

So what do I think of Soul Calibur 2? The sequel to my second favourite game of all time? Eh, I'm disappointed. Not disappointed because it isn't good, just disappointed because it's more of the same. It's NOT next generation. It is NOT Dead or Alive 3. It is a good fighting game, but it is just old feeling. Sure, I now have no reason to ever play SCI anymore, but it's just not the jump I wanted. Great game, I'd still give it a 9/10, and tell everyone to buy it, considering hardly anyone bought a Dreamcast it seems, but in the end, this is a game I played 4 years ago. *goes back to CvS2*

Socrates was happy about dying, because he felt that true knowledge could only be obtained (attained?) through death. Well, while I may see where he is coming from (he is about to die, of course he wants to believe something like that) I cannot agree. We KNOW we can gain some knowledge through life, that is a fact, and since that is a fact, we should strive to live as long as possible, because we do NOT know if we can gain anything in death, while you may, you can't prove it, and either way it is coming eventually, so later is always better than now.

I will go back to doing the movies to see before you die soon. I enjoyed that. Enjoi.

I have purchased 4 new CDs in the last two weeks. Three of them are new releases, and one is an older one. I bought APC's new album, Thirteenth Step, and I listened to it a bit, but haven't really been in the mood, so I'll setting it aside for now. I bought John Mayer's new CD, Harder Things, and it's pretty good but I swear that guy puts me to sleep. Nest up I bought the FIRST Dave Matthews Band CD, before even Under the Table and Dreaming, it's called Remember Two Things, and it's pretty crappy. It only has like 5 studio songs and 4 live ones, but hey, I like the version of Satellite I guess. Maybe I'm just not a hardcore DMB guy, because I really do like their recent stuff better.

Speaking of, the 4th CD is Dave's new CD, Some Devil. 5/5 people. This is freaking awesome. Go download Gravedigger. Go buy the CD. This is why I love Dave Matthews, this music right here. To compare it to any of his other works, it would have to be a lot like the Lily White Sessions. You know, the less poppy Busted Stuff... stuff. Awesome. Love it.

Bought the Scarface Collector's Edition today. I guess it's cool to call this your favourite movie nowadays, if you are a wannabe gangster. Never seen it, though, so I'll pass judgment later. I also downloaded Rear Window, and Dr. Strangelove. I feel like trying to knock out the top 100 on imdb. I really need to rewatch Memento. I may have to reorder that top 5 too, the more I watch Donnie Darko, the more I like it (and understand it). Hey, maybe one day I might even understand Mulholland Dr.

Nah.

Kill Bill! 8 days! Omg, I am so excited. I was worried, I admit, ALL Summer, that it was going to be stupid, and over Tarantino-fied (like the new Palahniuk word, Bermuda Triangulated) but after watching the newly released trailer. *drool* Can't. Wait. Then in November we have Matrix Revolutions, and finally in December, there is LotR: RotK. Wow. Just... overload. Supposedly Matrix 3 and LotR 3 are the best of their respective series, and I was dissapointed in both Reloaded and Two Towers, slightly, only because I hold Matrix 1 and Fellowship to such high regard.

So my current movie list, I need to watch, that I have: Scarface, Apocalypse Now, Rear Window, Dr. Strangelove, The Shining, and The Pianist. So, one DePalma, Coppola, Hitchcock, Someone, Kubrick, and Polanski film each. Oh and the 'Motherhood' episode from ER. You know, the one directed by Go-, er Tarantino.

So, yeah, the updates are going daily again. I'll MAKE time. Love ya guys!

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 

NEW SECTION! http://www.e-conundrum.com/sandy.htm 

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003 

NEW MOVIE! 'The Hand' http://www.e-conundrum.com/hand.wmv 

Monday, September 15th, 2003 

Shiny happy people laughing 
Meet me in the crowd 
People people 
Throw your love around 
Love me love me 
Take it into town 
Happy happy 
Put it in the ground 
Where the flowers grow 
Gold and silver shine 

Shiny happy people holding hands 
Shiny happy people laughing 

Everyone around love them, love them 
Put it in your hands 
Take it take it 
There's no time to cry 
Happy happy 
Put it in your heart 
Where tomorrow shines 
Gold and silver shine 

Shiny happy people holding hands 
Shiny happy people laughing 

Songs don't get much cheesier than that. No siree bob, they do not.

I think I'm dying, this cough is getting horrible. Yeah, so, homework to do...

Wednesday, September 10th, 2003 

I didn't even mention that yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of the Dreamcast. 9-9-99 what a funny day that was. Yeah, so anyway...

Consciousness is defined by intentionality. By intentionality consciousness transcends itself ... The object is transcendent to the consciousness which grasps it, and it is in the object that the unity of the consciousness is found.

I love it when philosopher's talk in such convoluted double talk, that they can't even comprehend what they say, when written. If anyone cares, basically the quote is saying that you can't study consciousness because there is no such thing by itself, and you have to study something being conscious of something else, like a clear window, it's basically impossible to see the window, only what you see through it. Well, that's what I think it's trying to say, it could be talking about oatmeal cream pies...

Mmmm.. oatmeal cream pies...

*ahem* So, yes, I don't really feel like talking about philosophy right now, so let's talk about...

Oh, yes I do. I think at heart I am a dualist (not to be confused with a duelist). Oh, I don't know, sometimes I wake up a s a total eliminative materialist, and sometimes I just wake up hungry. Depends on the day, I suppose.

Oh and someone SO took my idea! My few really brilliant ideas that I believe I have come up with (but of course, I also believe everything has been thought of) I saw written down. It is such an obvious statement, but with such funny implications. Here, as written in the book:

If someone knows that something is going to happen, then it's true that is going to happen because you can't know something that is false.

Basically, you can't know 1 + 1 = 3 because that's not true. Look through my archives, I'm sure you can find a similar statement I had made at some point.

Maybe, I say. You're already dead.
Maybe it's not one of those real suicide things. It's just a cry for help. You know, sad puppy eyes.
Maybe, I say. Just maybe I don't want any attention. Until I'm ready. I say let me prepare. I say stop thinking I'm perfect. Until I am.

I have said weird things in my past rants on the site... it's quite fun to try and guess what I was thinking...

blah, blah, blah the end.

Tuesday, September 9th, 2003 

I was looking at the current crop of releases in the world of entertainment, and...

Movies: None. DVD or Theatre, it is horribly depressing for a good month or more. Ugh.

Videogames: Same, I still need Otogi and Soul Calibur II, but nothing is coming out soon.

Books: I don't really follow books actually...

CD's: I was feeling depressed up until this point and I remembered, NEW PERFECT CIRCLE CD! Woohoo! I love them. I can't wait for that, I don't want to hear a single song until it comes out. So browsing around I find another gem... NEW DAVE MATTHEWS CD! I hadn't even thought one would be out for a while, it's called Some Devil. Cool, cool, considering DMB has been the only thing in my CD player forever.  John Mayer has a new CD soon too. But really, this new DMB thing has got me riled up. I mean I was craving it so bad the other day (I mean DMB in general, I didn't know there was a new CD to crave) I actually went out and purchased a live CD... which I'm listening to right now.

Uh, that's it for now...

Monday, September 8th, 2003 

Sorry, I have to put my updates here, it's too much of a pain to keep resizing that block above, and such, so Uhm, yeah. I'll just change the date when I update so you know when I update. I'm going to try as hard as I can to get this daily update thing going again, as I've been slacking (because I've actually been occupied!?)

Diary is still out, and I still haven't read it. A new book by my favourite author. Soul Calibur II is out, and I don't own it, the sequel to my favourite fighting game of all time. Heck I bought Monty Python's Meaning of Life yesterday, a movie I have been looking for everywhere (only to find out it just released last week on DVD) and I haven't bothered to watch it. What's wrong with me?

Yes, I'm quoting my own story up there at the top. Why? BECAUSE I DESERVE IT! I mean, okay, on the Chuck Palahniuk Writer's Workshop there are over 200 stories up there. Guess what mine is rated? Number 3 baby! So ha! I do have writing skills, time to move onto something else.

I suppose I could use these as Journal entries for Ms. Magowen's class... that should work, right?

I didn't have any real profound thoughts today, although I got bored in Seminar and spent an hour reading about Jung. It's amazing how different that dude is from Freud. I don't really feel like reading about either of them, though until I've covered those oldies like Descartes and Socrates.

Ramen noodle soup is good, but putting an egg in it, makes it even better. Yeah, so that's not very profound, but it's no less true.

So this deal I have worked out in History is awesome. I don't know why I am being so favoured, but it is so much better than moving at the speed of the herd, and learning nothing. Basically, I have to read a book at the beginning of each quarter (the first one is called Patriots by some guy whose name is unpronounceable, and is like 600 pages long) and then I have to a documentary (video) about something that happened within that time period. Seems easy, but it's quite a bit of work, considering all the logs and stuff I have to keep. The book is good though, it's nice to be able to read history, and not feel like Ben Stein is talking to you. I don't quite know how I'll pull this documentary off yet, though, I hope some idea pops up on me quick.

So I get my German license finally, and I'm driving around all over the place, and then we finally call to get insurance on me... $3600 a month. Jeez... I don't REALLY need to drive, right? I just need a small, old car now. That Durango is no fun.

Okay, running out of gas, I don't feel like typing anymore, a bunch of cool people just signed on.....................

Sunday, September 7th, 2003 

Kellen, on creating a perfect world.

Sorry, to sound like a Miss (Mr) America wannabe, but in truth, nothing would make me happier, but to see that everyone else is happy. A perfect world in sense. I admit to trying to improve everything to the point of perfection, I admit to thinking I can do what is impossible, because no matter how good something can get YOU CAN ALWAYS IMAGINE IT BETTER. There is no truer statement, idea, in the world, that nothing is as good as it can be. Yet, I had an idea. It's so obvious, so I may just be trying to tell everyone that the sky is blue, and the British have bad teeth, but I like my idea.

So, I hate that the only thing I can come up with, is to compare my idea to a videogame, to get it across, but until I can come up with something better, that's what it will be.

Think of Pong. You know, the video game. The bouncing ball, with the paddles on each side. Now think of the hottest videogame out right now, the best reviews, which according to www.gamerankings.com is Knights of the Old Republic. I mean this think is getting 10/10 reviews, which is implying that it is the true vision of perfection. But I could improve it. In 5 years, the graphics will be crap. In 5 years, the sound will be crap. The story could have been improved, everything. NOTHING about that game is perfect (it was good, no doubt, but good is not perfect).

Okay, now think of Pong again. Nothing is wrong with it. It won't crash. The ball is a perfect circle, the paddles move smoothly, and the *pink* and *ponk* sounds, sound exactly as they need to. In theory, it is the perfect game. Most people would say KOTOR is a better game, but they have no right to, as you can't improve Pong, as it has reached the level of perfection.

Okay, now to apply this to the real world. What is the one thing you cannot improve? Nothing. You can improve nothing. So if there is nothing, it is perfect. I could create a perfect world, but that would mean getting rid of everything that is there, so that there is nothing I can improve.

Wasn't it Descartes, who admitted to having no wisdom, and in turn, was the wisest among people?

So, what I'm saying, is a perfect world is possible, it just doesn't include you. Well, not just you, but everyone, of course.

I guess I could be wrong, I still can't take myself seriously, and truthfully, the more I think about it, the more boring perfection seems. Let me never be perfect.

Then again, that depends on your definition of perfection. Does that mean that nothing is wrong, or that everything is right?

Whereas most people are made of stone, I am made of toothpaste.

I guess that takes explaining. I'm just saying too many people are set solidly in what they are, and won't change, and if you do change them, they are stuck like that forever. I still feel like I am constantly be shaped and molded, not quite sure what to do, then again maybe we all are.

I really should get back to my homework. Thoughts just came to mind and I felt like displaying them for everyone.

Thursday, September 4th, 2003 

Ugh, I hate going back to my site, after such a huge lull. School has started up again, and I am now a Senior in High School. Trip in Italy... <_< *ahem* . I really can't put a big update now, I have to ease back into. start out with little updates. Darnit DIARY IS OUT! and I don't have it... SOUL CALIBUR II is out.. and I don't have it. I have my German license... yeah this is a lot of stuff. I will start talking about cool stuff tomorrow. Hopefully. Or not. 

I do want to point out something though, I have an average of 40 unique people I day for this past week. *looks around* and I didn't DO anything. I'm getting up there I suppose.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 

Kellen's eyes: O_O I'm so beat. I've had no rest since I've came home... and now I'm shipping off to Italy until Tuesday at 4am tomorrow! I apologize to those I haven't talked to.

Tuesday, August 26th, 2003

Sorry, but it seems as though the videos might be on hold again for now. Uhm, mainly because I won't have any time tomorrow, and I am going to Italy for  about 5 days, early Thursday morning, with some friends. It's 3am, and I  have to take a driving test tomorrow (for a German license) so I suppose I should go to bed. Later.

Monday, August 25th, 2003 

Nice. 14 hours of sweet, sweet sleep. I'm not one to get agitated, but I was seriously getting a little pissy yesterday, and I apologize to anyone who felt like I was being a jerk, it doesn't happen often, I promise. I'll be my usual self now.

The site is coming along, and I hosted another video yesterday, one that I didn't make, but you should check it out anyway. I hope to finish getting all the old stuff to this site by today, then I will work on real updates from then on out.

I'm still messing with the format of everything, trying to get the site to be the most readable, and pleasing to the eye as I can. I mean, I broke a site record yesterday for goodness sake! 179 unique visitors. That's not bad at all, considering  I didn't even post any new videos.I'll give another update later today, as I just woke up, and it's never too fun to just get up and type (but I do anyway...?)

A few asked me what the features section was, and basically it will have my reviews, and things like 'the movies to see before you die' and any other sections that don't fit under the other ones.

So, a week and two days until school starts. My senior year. I'm quite tired of High School, I feel as though I've all but outgrown it. I just don't learn as much there anymore. I mean, you can really tell the difference to a person who went to college and a person who didn't when you talk to them, and I'm really quite tired of not having that college education, because I believe once I get it, I can start taking myself seriously, until then I simply can't. Perhaps I'm addicted to education, as it's the only thing I find myself craving, and needing desperately when I'm away. It isn't my anti-drug, it is my drug. 

Sunday, August 24th, 2003 *2*
- Kellen

Okay, so the main page is up, as well as the Useless Facts and the Videos. which, I must admit, is looking mighty nice. On top of that I am dead tired. I got back from the States yesterday, only to not go to sleep until 12am (So I was awake for, oh, 36 hours) and then I go and wake up at 6 am because I can't sleep.

The only problem I have with the new design is, while it looks fine down here, the very top of the page is quite bland, as if it needs a background. I like the banner thing and all, but still, I don't know, I guess I'll be tweaking it a lot in the next few.

I busted out the video camera, and shot a quickie, edited it, and uploaded, just to make sure everything was working. It's only a 2 second clip though, but I want to use it in something else, so I'm not giving out the link yet.

I still have a ton more to unpack, and get ready. I take the German driving test this Wednesday, so I hope everything there goes fine. Also, I obviously missed more than a few blogs lately, so I aim to make it up, that is if I can remember the last two weeks. (Let's see, One Tree Hill, Driving Tests, Books, and Movies basically sums it up)

If you believe.
They put a man on the moon.
Man on the moooooooonnnn. 

Boy, I'm tired.

Sunday, August 24th, 2003
- Kellen

Welcome to the Online Conundrum Version 2. It's still in the works, obviously, but it's a start. Stay tuned. I need to fill this to the bottom of the button list to the right, so I am going to keep typing, about nothing, and keep going... still going. Welcome to the Online Conundrum Version 2. It's still in the works, obviously, but it's a start. Stay tuned. I need to fill this to the bottom of the button list to the right, so I am going to keep typing, about nothing, and keep going... still going. Welcome to the Online Conundrum Version 2. It's still in the works, obviously, but it's a start. Stay tuned. I need to fill this to the bottom of the button list to the right, so I am going to keep typing, about nothing, and keep going... still going. Welcome to the Online Conundrum Version 2. It's still in the works, obviously, but it's a start. Stay tuned. I need to fill this to the bottom of the button list to the right, so I am going to keep typing, about nothing, and keep going... still going. Done.

Before Sunday, August 24th, 2003
- Kellen

Archive 1 (1-15-03 to 5-22-03) http://www.e-conundrum.com/archive.htm